Jokes Jokes Jokes

[thelufias]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[M-Callahan]

I couldn't work today because of an eye problem.  I just couldn't see myself working.

[Jherrith]

Nice I needed something like this to lighten my mood

My thanks

[M-Callahan]

When life gives you mold, make penicillin.

[thelufias]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my friend and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my friend called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

[Jherrith]

[thelufias]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing.

He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?"

The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"

The parrot said, "Clarence."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."

[Jherrith]

[Jherrith]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
“Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
“Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s”

[Jherrith]

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the banks call centre.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call centre operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”