Jokes Jokes Jokes

[Scouseaphrenia]

random...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMGodM0zm8k&list=PLQ7zBJZQS9AIQZeMPoRiWGobNz9znGM-9&index=33

[thelufias]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

[Scouseaphrenia]

A Chinese man saved up his money to have a first-class flight to visit his relatives. Cabin crew came round and one asked him “you for coffee?” to which he replied, “no, you ferk offee… I got first class ticket!!”

[thelufias]

:nopanic;

[thelufias]

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.

God told Adam that it was time to populate the world.

"Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".

"What's a kiss?", asked Adam.

God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her. Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What's next?".

"Now you must caress Eve".

"What's caress?", asked Adam. God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her. Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?".

"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".

"What is make love?", asked Adam.

God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".

[Jherrith]

Should have seen that one coming

[thelufias]

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.' "

[Jherrith]

Smart girl to get the fact that the inscription on the tombstone was an oxymoron

[thelufias]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.

The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."

The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."

The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".

The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"

"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."

[Jherrith]

  Pollock or pollack is the common name used for either of the two species of North Atlantic marine fish in the genus Pollachius

Pretty talented fish you found in that bar good sir.

Sorry grammar cop says you lose