Jokes Jokes Jokes

[Chiron]

      !!!

[thelufias]

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

[Scouseaphrenia]

I like women... I like all kinds of women...
Fwont cwawl... backstwoke...

[thelufias]

Uh HUh......Ummmm..... Yup....... (Does anyone have his meds handy) 

[thelufias]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time,  became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

[sidherose]

 

[Chiron]

Late one night a guy wearing a black mask approaches a distinguished gentleman and pulls a gun on his ribs.

"Give me your money," he whispers "or you're a dead man!".

Scandalized, the man exclaims,

"You can't do this! I'm a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case... give me MY money or you're a dead man!"

[Chiron]

Broccoli: "Hey, I look like a tree"

Mushroom: "Wow, I look just like an umbrella"

Walnut: "I look exactly like a brain"

Banana: "Let's change the subject, shall we?"

[Chiron]

Sea monster's favorite snack?

Fish & ships

[Chiron]

Sorry, four in a row this once - but it was about time to let in some fresh air in this moldy thread :smile:

My stepmother came into my room and demanded that I take off all her clothes.
So I took off her blouse.

Not satisfied, she said "Now off with the skirt!"

I did, and she continued "Now take off my stockings!"

And when I did that she insisted "Now the bra and the panties!"

I took them off.

"OK, that's it for now. And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!"