-
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send her there.
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:thumb_up:
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:tearlaugh: :thumb_up:
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There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit.
She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there.
An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here."
The blonde replied, "I can and I will."
The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy" to which the blond replied "You can't make me move."
The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work.
Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her.
After a quick chat with her, she moved.
The shocked attendant asked him how he did it.
The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
-
:thumb_up:
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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
-
Officer! Officer! I've just been graped...
Graped? You mean raped?
No, there was a bunch of them....
:yeow: :yeow: :yeow:
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Excellent
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send her there.
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
:(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO:
-
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
-
I googled up "how to start a wildfire".
I got 19,600,000 matches.
-
A recent scientific study showed that out of 1,746,542,816 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
-
A recent scientific study showed that out of 1,746,542,816 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
Must be something wrong with me I actually read the number took a try or two to get the right value but read it I did :thud:
-
Must be something wrong with me I actually read the number took a try or two to get the right value but read it I did :thud:
... and certainly wondered who could be wealthy and insane enough to fund a study on 1/4 of the overall world population... :tearlaugh:
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... and certainly wondered who could be wealthy and insane enough to fund a study on 1/4 of the overall world population... :tearlaugh:
Now, THAT is a far different sort of perspective. :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
J, you're OCD. That's why you read the number.
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:iminnocent: Although the sound you are hearing is no one disagreeing
-
:yippee:
-
The wild joys of life...
"Hey dad how was your weekend?"
"Light, dark, light, dark, Monday."
-
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
-
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Thanks for the laughs, Chiron :smiley:
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A boy sitting on a bus is eating with gusto one piece of chocolate after the other.
The man sitting next to him shakes his head:
"Tsk tsk... eating so much chocolate isn't very healthy for you, boy!"
The boy rolls his eyes and mutters:
"My grandpa lived to be 108, you know."
"And you think that's because he ate lots of chocolate?"
"No, because he minded his own business."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Thanks for the laughs, Chiron :smiley:
Any time, Sidherose! :winks:
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love that last one :tearlaugh:
Me too, Hedd! :winks:
You know, when I was a little boy just anyone past puberty was feeling the duty to teach and educate me... quite often by means of endless blatantly wrong explanations taught with benevolent patience and condescension.
That way I learned never to believe an adult unless they could prove it - a golden tenet that still holds today :tearlaugh:
-
A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
"Sorry," growls the bartender, "we don't serve food here."
-
try uni @ 40 with a 20 year old professor :shrug:
checked the bag twice a day to see if they had dropped [ MINE not his :tearlaugh: ]
Same here, Hedd, for so many long years! That definitely doesn't depend on the prof's age... :shrug:
yeah started typing a joke ............then the censor kicked in :ny-fathertime:
Why don't you kick the censor in [there] and write it all the same? :tearlaugh:
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Now see....all the chuckles in here have me chuckling....and no "J"....I didn't even look at that long number... I have enough problems keeping track of my age :java:
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After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened.
She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off." :shrug:
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....and no "J"....I didn't even look at that long number... I have enough problems keeping track of my age :java:
Told you were "ye ole wizened one" for a reason
:tearlaugh:
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
-
Doctor: "You're obese."
Patient: "For that I definitely want a second opinion."
Doctor: "OK. You're quite ugly, too."
-
The most stupid one I heard in the last 12 months:
Can February March? No, but April May.
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:thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
-
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
:thumb_up: Good one :tearlaugh:
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee :tearlaugh:
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What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
-
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children . . ."
:tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :funny: :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
-
Exquisite :tearlaugh:
-
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
Policemen are looking into it now.
-
A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories.
But I don't care. I never eat the glass anyway.
-
:thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-
Good ones, all!! :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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"Our restaurant's snails are world-famous."
"I know, one of them is just being serving me."
-
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
"Oh, I am terribly sorry!", apologizes the Queen, deeply embarrassed.
"Oh don't worry Ma'am", reassures her the Pope, "hadn't you said anything I would just think it was the horse!"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Montmarte Paris 1971 ?? forgot name of cafe (dont do accents cos me lazy) but think the waiter was called garcon :tearlaugh:
I'm sure you're right there, HH - yes, Garçon!
-
:(ROFLMAO: :shrug: :(ROFLMAO: Good Ones......
-
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer (who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket) went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
-
Job interview:
"Mrs. Johnson, what do you consider your greatest weakness?"
"Well, perhaps honesty... candor."
"Why, I don't believe that's a weakness at all!"
"And why should I give a rat's fart about your stupid opinion?"
-
A mom shark is teaching her whelp how to feed on swimmers.
"So, first thing you go and circle them, making sure your fin is showing. Then you can zero in on them and eat them."
"But Mom, why don’t I just zero in on them and eat them right away?"
"I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit inside?"
-
:tearlaugh:
-
:(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO:
Very good ones.....
-
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
-
Nothing ruins a great Friday more than realizing it’s actually Wednesday.
-
A man walks into the butcher shop.
"I would like bull testicles please."
The butcher sneers,
"You bet it! So would I..."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :thumb_up:
-
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door. It's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night, when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking the day off tomorrow so I can be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
-
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them suspiciously and snaps:
"Is this some kind of a joke?"
-
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train.
When he finally caught me, he wasn't very amused to find that I actually had a perfectly valid ticket.
-
:heeheehee:
-
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!" :shrug:
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"My Son, it's time to tell you something... you were adopted"
"Oh Dad, I sort of felt it... I knew it! And... don't be offended... I'd really like to meet my biological parents!"
"We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
-
Want to seduce an overweight woman? Piece of cake!
-
:thud: :tearlaugh: Good one...
-
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
-
:tearlaugh: :funny: :(ROFLMAO: !!!
-
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-
I like women... I like all kinds of women...
Fwont cwawl... backstwoke...
-
Uh HUh......Ummmm..... Yup....... (Does anyone have his meds handy) :OMFG:
:tearlaugh:
-
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
Late one night a guy wearing a black mask approaches a distinguished gentleman and pulls a gun on his ribs.
"Give me your money," he whispers "or you're a dead man!".
Scandalized, the man exclaims,
"You can't do this! I'm a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case... give me MY money or you're a dead man!"
-
Broccoli: "Hey, I look like a tree"
Mushroom: "Wow, I look just like an umbrella"
Walnut: "I look exactly like a brain"
Banana: "Let's change the subject, shall we?"
-
Sea monster's favorite snack?
Fish & ships
-
Sorry, four in a row this once - but it was about time to let in some fresh air in this moldy thread :smile:
My stepmother came into my room and demanded that I take off all her clothes.
So I took off her blouse.
Not satisfied, she said "Now off with the skirt!"
I did, and she continued "Now take off my stockings!"
And when I did that she insisted "Now the bra and the panties!"
I took them off.
"OK, that's it for now. And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!"
-
Late one night a guy wearing a black mask approaches a distinguished gentleman and pulls a gun on his ribs.
"Give me your money," he whispers "or you're a dead man!".
Scandalized, the man exclaims,
"You can’t do this! I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case... give me MY money or you're a dead man!"
LOLOLOL......Ain't that the truth.....
-
LOLOL....they were great.....Thanks for the chuckles Chiron....
-
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
-
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
-
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking...
... f***ing mosquito!
-
The husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife
"He's been crying all the way home. Will he be sick or something?"
"Hmmm, don't think so", replies the wife "maybe he was just trying to tell you he isn't our Jimmy."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Good Ones
-
An elderly man is on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asks to speak to his son and whispers in his ear:
"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best. And keep that in mind: if it goes awry, if something happens to me, your Mom is going to move in with you and your family."
-
After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy: I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything... and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left...
- BANG! -
... I'll get their boyfriends!
-
I've read on the internet that the Secret Service had to change their commands.
They shan't say "Get down!" anymore if the President is under attack.
Now it's "Donald, duck!"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Love the Donald Duck one.... Bwaaaahaaaahaaaa
-
:tearlaugh: Great jokes, guys :tearlaugh:
-
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.
" The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
-
That was hilarious TL :tearlaugh:
-
Indeed that is one way of getting a prompt response
-
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
-
:(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO:
Eggs-sellent!
-
Reminds me of the farmers up here :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
There are a lot of them too, aren't there?
-
Indeed there are. I can walk out of my front door....up my little hill....and I'm in a farmers field and the Barn is in plan view.... Thankfully the hill blocks most of the smells.....LOLOL
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John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David.
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person.
The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
-
:duh:
-
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
-
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a littler lighter :thud:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: That was good J.
Eh, leave it to a blonde, eh TL?
-
Good one "J"......and yup Ray......those darn blonds LOLOL
-
"Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?"
"No, sorry. Not a soul, actually."
"Excellent! Then give me your wallet, watch and laptop if you want to live!"
P.S.: TL, do you realize the intrinsic oxymoron of a blonde having a degree in electrical engineering? :tearlaugh:
-
"Tell me Doctor, can I live longer than 100 years?"
"Well, some do. Let's see: do you smoke?"
"No."
"Do you eat too much tasty stuff?"
"No."
"Do you go to bed late?"
"No."
"Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?"
"No."
"Then why the hell would you want to live more than 100 years?"
-
LOLOL.....yes.....I did kinda wonder about that also Chiron....but thankfully not to long...Blonds always amaze us.... :tearlaugh:
Cool jokes...thanks for contributing to our HUMOR CENTER LOL.
-
How about the two RF antennas that were installed in the same area, after a while they got to know each other and then they started dating and pretty soon they were getting married.
The wedding was pretty commonplace but the reception afterwards was fantastic
:thud:
-
A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.
The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish.
"Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Hilarious ones, all :grin:
-
Speaking of blondes...
A brunette with a penchant for old moth-eaten documents had run into a dusty scroll mentioning a magic mirror that would grant unlimited wish if told the truth, but would just destroy the claimant if lied to.
Unable to keep the finding to herself she told her two best friends - a blonde and a redhead - about it, and the three decided together that they must look for the mirror no matter how long, hard and expensive the undertaking could be.
It was a long and hard quest. Indomitably the three friends searched jungles and deserts, villages and cities, rivers and mountains. And eventually the few vague clues provided by that faded scroll led them through a thick forest, and then to an old dilapidated hut in a glade.
And inside... ta-daaa... THE MAGIC MIRROR!
Incapable of restraining herself the brunette steps in front of the mirror and exclaims: "I think I'm the smartest girl of the whole..."- Poofff! ... all of a sudden the brunette disappears in a tiny trail of smoke.
Chagrined the two remaining girls stare where their friend had been, but the allure of seeing granted their secret wishes takes over. The redhead steps in front of the mirror and hesitantly utters under her breath: "I think I'm a pretty charming girl, nice, good-humored..." - Poofff! ... and she's gone in another tiny trail of smoke.
Utterly terrified the blonde stares at the nothing that's left of her friends, she's tempted to run away, but after all those months of quest...
She steps in front of the mirror, closes her eyes and whispers "I think..."
- Poofff!
-
:tearlaugh: :knelvis: :tearlaugh: :knelvis:
-
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
-
And in local news a farmer has been awarded the Nobel prize for being outstanding in his field....
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Good one.....
Gotta love one liners.......
-
Three men were having a tea break on a building site. Suddenly one jumped up and savagely stamped on a snail. What did you do that for? Well... stupid thing has been following me all day...
-
Another man applied to the local bus company. He wanted to be a conductor...
So they took him outside and nailed him to a chimney...
-
:yeow: :(ROFLMAO: :thumb_up:
-
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
-
Sheer genius...
-
:yes: :thumb_up:
-
An annoyed-looking guy walks into a bar, a very nice kitten on a leash and a rooster perched on his shoulder.
The bartender stares inquisitively at him but remains silent and waits. The man orders a beer and sixty-four hamburgers.
"Sixty-four hamburgers??? But are you sure?!"
"Are you here to work or to chat? Sixty-four hamburgers, please!"
As soon as the amazed barman reappears bringing eight dishes with eight hamburgers each, the rooster jumps on them and... zac, zac, zac... devours them all in no time. Then he looks back at his master expectantly. The guy ignores him and keeps sipping his beer.
"Er... excuse me sir... I know I shouldn't, but if I may ask..."
"I was hoping you wouldn't..." sighs the man, "Well, you must know that I was working as a prospector for an oil company in the Sahara. One day I tripped over something half-buried in the sand - it looked like an ancient earthenware pot. I managed to remove the stopper and... PLOP... a genie popped out and thanked me heartily for freeing him after three thousand years of imprisonment there..."
"Yes I see, but how..."
"Let me finish! He granted me three wishes, and he kept his word. But my Arabic wasn't good and his was three thousand years old, there must have been some translation glitches..."
"Oh! What did you wish?"
"I asked him for plenty of dough, the best pussy in the world and an insatiable cock," sighs the man again, "The truck with the raw bread is parked outside..."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Awesome one....and where is a translator when you need one..... :thud:
-
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
-
A guy goes to a club and the bouncer stops him.
"No tie, no entry."
He walks back to his car to find a tie.
All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie.
He goes back and says "How's this?"
The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."
-
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well... what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says…go to hell... that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."
-
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
-
Both of them....... :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
Too right
-
Why do they call it "Viagra"?
Because the name "Fix-a-flat" was already taken
-
:(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh: :funny: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Good One "J"...
-
It IS easier to carry around pills ........ That was hilarious.
I think this new little guy should be named Via-Gra - Via is the sweet one. :phfft:
-
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Um, Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
-
What do you call that irresistible lust that overwhelms a woman before a pastry shop window?
LIPIDO
-
:yeow: :tearlaugh:
-
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
-
Wife to Husband: Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
-
Wife to Husband: Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Ooops
-
Alfee was like by everyone in the office. Alfee was the custodian who kept thing clean; he did an exceptional job. However Alfee was a little slow, most people thought the letter T.G.I.F. ment Thank God it's Friday on the toes of his shoes, but for Alfee it means Toes Go In First.
-
Was going to roll and smoke a joint with some Mexican friends of mine, asked if they had papers .... they all ran away :thud:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Both were great.......Thanks for putting them up....
-
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
-
:(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
-
:(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
Seconded
-
Good One. :tearlaugh:
-
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make
it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
-
Busted :ifonly:
-
Why do the French like to eat snails?
They hate fast food.
-
I asked my son if he'd seen my newspaper. He told me that newspapers are old school, that nowadays people use tablets, and handed me his iPad.
That obnoxious fly didn't stand a chance.
-
Sorry, I'm not going to hijack the whole thread, I've just run into a lot of pretty good ones :smile:
And while browsing for more I also found out that someone is fishing in our pond... but what the hell, after all I was fishing in theirs :winks:
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
-
LOLOL.....Good Ones....and we have no problems with how many are posted...the more the merrier.
Ummmmm.....did you catch anything in the neighbors pond? :tearlaugh:
-
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
"How did it go?"the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: OMG...I heard that one in High School, except it was Howard Johnsons then.
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: OMG...I heard that one in High School, except it was Howard Johnsons then.
And I absentmindedly killed the joke by dropping the punchline before time while telling it as a freshman at the university... :smile:
But the joke itself matters much less than the way it's told, and TL is a real master at that :winks:
-
Ummmmm.....did you catch anything in the neighbors pond? :tearlaugh:
Yeah, quite a lot indeed. But I'll have to drop them a few at a time lest we all suffer from a sort of joke saturation - if you eat only Tournedos with truffle drowned in fine Bourgogne for a while you end up longing for cheeseburger and coke, you know... :winks:
-
:tearlaugh: Indeed. To much of a good thing can be a bad thing..... Damn...That's deep :lostme:
-
And I absentmindedly killed the joke by dropping the punchline before time while telling it as a freshman at the university... :smile:
But the joke itself matters much less than the way it's told, and TL is a real master at that :winks:
True, that! :winks:
-
Yeah, quite a lot indeed. But I'll have to drop them a few at a time lest we all suffer from a sort of joke saturation - if you eat only Tournedos with truffle drowned in fine Bourgogne for a while you end up longing for cheeseburger and coke, you know... :winks:
It doesn't matter what you eat - eventually you end up longing for a cheeseburger and coke :tearlaugh:
-
It doesn't matter what you eat - eventually you end up longing for a cheeseburger and coke :tearlaugh:
Unless you have nothing but cheeseburger and coke for a whole week, of course... :(ROFLMAO:
-
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
"F***it! Foil again!"
-
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
But personally I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
-
WANTED
Schradinger's Cat
Dead or Alive
-
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
-
WANTED
Schrdinger's Cat
Dead or Alive
Have you ever tried shaving Schradinger's Cat with Occam's Razor?
-
Unless you have nothing but cheeseburger and coke for a whole week, of course... :(ROFLMAO:
Of course :tearlaugh:
Good ones, Chiron! :smiley:
-
Have you ever tried shaving Schradinger's Cat with Occam's Razor?
Not yet, was too afraid of getting stung by Aristotle's lantern :tearlaugh:
-
Good ones, Chiron! :smiley:
Thanks Sidherose - had to sift through a huge lot of :bs: to pick up a few decent ones... :shrug:
Every so often, if the Muse feels like visiting, it takes less time and toil to make them up from scratch :funny:
-
Not yet, was too afraid of getting stung by Aristotle's lantern :tearlaugh:
I think you'll do alright if you employ Diogenes' Lantern...if you can find anyone to hold it.
-
Thanks Sidherose - had to sift through a huge lot of :bs: to pick up a few decent ones... :shrug:
Every so often, if the Muse feels like visiting, it takes less time and toil to make them up from scratch :funny:
Not all of us are so talented! :winks:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:....Good ones indeed.
I'm going to hunt down some goofy knock knock jokes ......There has to be a ton of them out there.....
-
I think you'll do alright if you employ Diogenes' Lantern...if you can find anyone to hold it.
Well, Diogenes' lantern would be definitely milder than Aristotle's - at least it doesn't come with a sea urchin attached :tearlaugh:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: ....Good ones indeed.
I'm going to hunt down some goofy knock knock jokes ......There has to be a ton of them out there.....
Such as, for instance
Knock knock.
"Who’s there?"
"Yoda lady."
"Yoda lady who?"
"Good job yodeling!!!"
? :winks:
-
Yup....that be one for sure......LOLOL
-
A man asks a farmer near a field,
"Excuse me, would you mind if I cross your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."
The farmer nods,
"Sure, go ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one."
-
On a mountain trip a man trips and falls down into a crack.
His wife calls after him anxiously,
"Harry, all OK?"
"Yeah!"
"Are you hurt?"
"No..."
"Not a scratch? How come?!"
"I’m not done falling ye-e-e-e-e-t!"
-
At the dentist:
"This will hurt a little. Are you ready?"
"OK doctor, go ahead"
"I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now. I'm afraid she's pregnant"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Loved all three.....Good way to start my day...with some great chuckles. Thanks
-
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
-
So when an earl farts, does that make it a noble gas?
-
:thud: good one
-
Thanks Doc! :smile:
- An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it's an exit.
- A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
- A train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on the tracks.
-
What's a state clerk's favorite day of the week?
Tuesday: there's no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
-
LOLOL.....Got a kick out of them all......
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references including Google, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
-
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you
-
I am not fat,
I'm just easy to see.
-
Bubble wrap is like catnip for people.
-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend ... I understand he started drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long"
-
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.
-
I'm not old ... I'm chronologically gifted!
-
Mistakes are proof you are trying.
And incompetent.
-
Dinner and bondage:
works for me
-
Bubble wrap is like catnip for people.
Damn true!!!
My personal record is 1.47 sec (before yielding and starting popping the bubbles one by one like crazy) :tearlaugh:
-
Mistakes are proof you are trying.
And incompetent.
Holy Truth!
-
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.
... and we're f***ing close to the day it'll become unaffordable :sad:
-
I am not fat,
I'm just easy to see.
I don't have a filthy mouth,
I'm just easy to hear.
-
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of the paws.
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
-
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet around the house, so after a brief discussion we decided to buy a dog.
It's cheaper and you get twice as many feet.
-
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
But... hell, does that burn!
-
- What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
- Slow swimmer.
-
Why are women evil?
1 - women take plenty of time and money: w = t . $
2 - but time is money: t = $
3 - thus, by replacement w = $ . $ = $2
4 - then, money is the root of all evil $ = √‾evil
5 - thus, by squaring $2 = evil
6 - hence, by replacing $2 in the 3rd equation, w = evil
Quod Erat Demonstrandum
-
Why are women evil?
1 - women take plenty of time and money: w = t . $
2 - but time is money: t = $
3 - thus, by replacement w = $ . $ = $2
4 - then, money is the root of all evil $ = √‾evil
5 - thus, by squaring $2 = evil
6 - hence, by replacing $2 in the 3rd equation, w = evil
Quod Erat Demonstrandum
Exquisite finally an algebraic proof of what I have surmised for centuries
-
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says Goodbye to boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
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I went on holiday to China and bought a pair of shoes. I looked on the sole and it said, "Made around the corner."
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Knock, Knock
Who is it ?
Police!
What do you want?
To talk.
How many are you?
Two.
Talk to each other.
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A jiffy is an actual unit of time: 1/100 of a second.
-
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
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Top things only women understand:
The difference between beige, ecru, creme, off-white, linen white, and eggshell
Cat's facial expression.
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A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders.
He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.
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Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
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I've decided that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.
-
Meanwhile in a parallel universe:
"Oh for God's sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!"
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Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Didn't work for me.
I told him "Say, why don't you call me Chiron?", and all I got was "I don't speak to the likes of you"
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How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard, really...
-
They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 15 seconds?
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LOLOL.....A lot of entertainment in here......All were awesome......
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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A dad is washing the car with his son.
After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
-
THAT DAY IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN
"Hey Adam, you're looking sort of sad today! What's wrong with you?"
"O Lord, I think I have a problem..."
"What's the problem, Adam?"
"My Lord, You created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but ..."
"But?"
"Er, I feel so lonely! I don't have anyone to chat with, You are always so busy creating beautiful things. And besides..."
"Besides???"
"Well, there are some needs, you know... in Your infinite wisdom You gave them to me but... er, talking about them is sort of embarrassing, you know..."
"Oh those urges, now I understand! OK, I think it's about time for Me to create the woman."
"What's a 'woman', o Lord?"
"Ah, My masterpiece actually! She shall be a creature looking approximately like you but way more beautiful, and appealingly different! She shall be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the Heavens and Earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you, she will cook the most delicious food for you, she will iron your shirts and pants, she will bear you beautiful and nice children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. You will like her a lot Adam, take My word for it!"
"Oh Lord, that sounds just GREAT! But how could I ever afford such a marvelous creature?"
"Oh Adam, come on, she won't be that expensive! Today I feel generous, she will cost you just an arm and a leg, it's a bargain!"
"Aww, an arm and a leg... o Lord, I don't know, that's quite expensive...
... hmm, tell me, what would I get for a rib?"
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:iminnocent:
(That's my SAFE reply)
-
And this is me seconding it as safely as possible :iminnocent:
-
I've read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year's resolution: NO MORE READING!
-
I can't believe I forgot again to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now!
-
When somebody makes you really angry, count to ten out loud.
When you get to four, punch them in the face. They won't be expecting that.
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Cool ones.....
-
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at
Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
-
:funny: :funny: :funny:
-
I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?
-
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says,
"Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site!"
-
"You are so nice, funny and beautiful!"
"Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed."
"And smart, too!"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Gotta love the second one....so darn true......
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An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
-
:(ROFLMAO: :yeow: :(ROFLMAO:
_____________________________________
What should you do when a blonde tosses a pin at you?
Run for your life! She has a hand grenade in her mouth!
One plus side of DuckDuckGo: it has a great sense of humor, considerably better than Google :smile:
-
LOL....I see that.....
(Let's see how many read the fine print on your post)
-
Just anyone, I guess - those who don't read the fine print carefully enough don't last long nowadays... :tearlaugh:
-
Ain't that the truth
-
Snicker snicker
-
:tearlaugh: OK, point made. Now let's stop writing in EULA, shall we? My eyes are aching! :tearlaugh:
-
Two pigeons on a roof are watching a fighter plane streak across the sky leaving behind a big condensation trail.
"Wow, he must be in a damn hurry," observes one pigeon.
"I'd like to see you if your ass were on fire!"
-
"Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!"
"Yeah, this catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!"
-
One blonde asks another:
"How come the meteorites always manage to land in craters?"
-
Only they could ask such a questions
-
I like it when one blond gives another blond an answer to a question like that LOLOL
-
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good.
If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier...
-
My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain him where Buddha actually lived.
-
In a boutique:
"Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?"
"I'm sorry madam, the management wouldn't approve of it. We have dedicated cabins for that."
-
LOL.....Love the Training one LOLOL....
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy.
The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"
And the father answers truthfully:
"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh.. I see! the boy answers. They showed them to us at school, in the sex education class."
Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?"
"This son, is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside.
"What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"
"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"
His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"
-
:shrug:
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
A little known painter asked the gallery manager if anybody had shown any interest in his paintings.
"Well, there's good news and there’s bad news," replied the owner.
"The good one is that yesterday a gentleman seemed to like your works and asked if their value would rise after your death. 'But of course, it always happens' I said. Then he bought all 20 of your paintings."
"Wow, that's fantastic!" exclaimed the artist, "What could possibly be the bad news?"
"Well... that gentleman was your doctor."
-
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday.
It really cheered me up to see myself taking the ring off my wife's finger, getting out of the church and going drinking with my best friends.
-
At a maternity hospital a lady tells the nurse,
"I'd like to call my baby Eileen."
The nurse shakes her head,
"I'm sorry ma'am but that name is already taken. Perhaps would you consider naming her Eileen532 or Eileen_153?"
-
A picture is now only worth 210 words
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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-
An egotist is someone who is more interested in himself than in me.
-
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil out at about 9:00 PM
-
The strongest muscle in the human body is the ...
tongue
:pervy:
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Enjoy Life.
It has an expiration date.
-
Chocolate makes your clothes shrink
-
I doubt we get smarter as we get older.
I think we just run out of stupid tings to do.
Although I do believe there is a few that are challenging that assertion.
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Great Chuckles to start the day......Thanks to you both......Whoooohoooo
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver "I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
No wonder!!
-
That would do it
-
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her.
So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am."
Son of a Gun, Blond men DO exist.
-
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home.
He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Those were all good ones :smiley:
-
They hit the spot.....Needed some humor today and love sharing it LOLOL
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Biting ...
Biting is just like kissing ...
except there is a winner
-
Depends on what your kissing..... :shrug: :haha:
-
Whom
not what
-
Not necessarily..... :pervy:
-
sissy ....
-
Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention.
They've threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.
-
Calling their bluff the correct response .. that is if they are tossing them out of the airplane ...
-
Sorry, I've been quite lazy here lately: arranging my team's traditional summer BBQ drained my resources.
We finally had it yesterday evening and now after half a night of half-sleep I'm nearly back to normal - with just a bit of a hangover, a slightly aching posterior (we held the ceremony on a pebble bank by the river), a minor healthy food intoxication (chemical additives deprivation), a bottle-opener cramp in my right wrist and a few hundred mosquito bytes, but otherwise unscathed :winks:
So let's resume:
A man is stuck in a huge traffic jam in the middle of the city, cursing under his breath behind the wheel.
A guy approaches on foot and knocks at his window:
"No way to get moving, friend: seems that a bunch of terrorists have kidnapped eight congressmen and two senators, and are now threatening to soak them in gasoline and set them on fire in the public square unless they get the ten million $ they are demanding. There's a police cordon ahead, the Authorities are trying to parlay but they won't budge, it's a stalemate. And yes, I'm collecting in order to get out of this awkward situation so that we may all go home before dawn. Would you want to contribute?"
"Uh, I dunno... how much did you collect so far?"
"About 172 gallons"
-
:yippee:
-
A blonde decides to go ice fishing.
She saws a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a mighty voice from above thunders,
"There are no fish here..."
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn’t see anybody. She shrugs and goes on fishing.
After a while the mighty voice comes again,
"There are no fish here..."
The blonde falls on her knees and asks with a quivering voice,
"Oh Lord, is that You?"
The voice rumbles,
"No miss, this is the ice-skating rink’s maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here."
-
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
-
Gotta love the Blonds and I'm with "J" on his reply to the Barn Fire joke :grpwave:
-
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
-
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
-
What would you call a person who had no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
-
At the clinic:
"It's embarrassing having to tell you that at present Science cannot help... for all we know your disease is terminal, and my colleagues and I believe you have only 10 to live."
"Terminal??? But I don't feel that bad! And what do you mean by 10??? 10 what? Months? Years?!"
"Nine..."
-
"Please help me doctor! I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can't control."
"Ah come on, it's not as bad as you think! A lot of people suffer from that and still live their normal lives..."
"That's what you say! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!"
-
"Mom, now don't get alarmed, but I'm at the hospital."
"Son, please! You've been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls in a less dramatic way?"
-
LOLOLOL......Good ones all.......Love that last one...... :tearlaugh:
-
That will be a true statement on Monday, as I will be at the hospital ... doing preventive maintenance on the radios.
:tearlaugh:
-
So why don't you try and call your headquarters from there? :haha:
-
So why don't you try and call your headquarters from there? :haha:
I so like that idea ... maybe I will do exactly that ... since it was just a verbal and not wrote on the schedule board as to where I am at, and even if it was, nobody ever reads the damn thing
-
Vegetarians believe that meat eaters and butchers are gross.
Yet whoever sells you butchered fruits and vegetables is grocer.
-
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, idly watching the empty house across the street.
First they see two people enter the house.
A while later they count three people getting out.
The physicist mutters,
"Hell, there must be some experimental error!"
The biologist counters,
"I beg to differ: obviously they have reproduced inside!"
The mathematician stares absentmindedly at the other two,
"One more person enters, the house will be empty again."
An old lady passing by asks,
"Would you gentlemen kindly help me locate the back door of that house?"
-
I bet you $12.5851265228542 that you didn't bother to read that number.
You just cruised right over it, didn't you? You didn't even notice I put a letter in it.
Well I didn't, but you went and looked anyway.
My, are you predictable!
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
And yup...you got me on the second one..... :thud:
-
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"
-
Oh, that's just :sad: :tearlaugh:
-
LOL...... Priorities 101 take over.....
-
Two blondes and a brunette are standing on the river bank when a fairy comes and says,
"You look all nice to me. I will grant each of you one wish."
The first blonde says,
"I wish for a pair of flippers so I could get across the river."
The fairy grants her this wish and the blonde swims across.
The second blonde says,
"I wish for a life vest so I could get across the river."
The fairy grants her this wish and the second blonde swims across.
The brunette then says,
"I wish for a million dollars" and walks across the bridge.
-
"I got a nice compliment on my driving today", a blonde brags to her friend, "There was a note left on my windshield and it said 'parking fine' ".
-
"Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
"Wow, that's a bit direct. Can't you come up with something more beautiful?"
"I tried, but they didn't want."
-
Cool ones.....Love the first Blond joke LOL
-
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes "woof", a Czech dog goes "haf", a Dutch dog goes "blaf", an Italian dog goes "bau", and a Chinese dog goes "sizzle".
-
"I'm looking for my mother-in-law's murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your mother-in-law's been murdered?!"
"Not yet"
-
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
-
:AEN: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No
-
Jimmy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Jimmy."
Jimmy says, "Now I can see why they threw him out!"
-
Brutally stolen but too pleasantly cruel not to copy 'n paste it here :haha:
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!"
-
Same thing...
Jack and George are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
Jack says,
"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
George gets about halfway there, turns and comes back embarrassed.
"What's wrong?", asks Jack
"Er... too risky: you see, one of them is my wife, and the other my mistress."
"Oh, I understand... that could be a problem" mutters Jack "Well, let me do it."
He gets about halfway there, then turns and comes back too.
"What's wrong now?"
"Small world, George!"
-
At the butcher's:
"How can you sell meat this cheap?"
"We cut down the staff."
-
Both are great but gotta admit my fav is the Golfers one....That is FUUUUUUNNNNNY....
-
One more, then that's it for today - stealing jokes takes plenty of resources :winks:
An ancient Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "Five beers, please."
-
Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
-
:thud:
-
A very rich and respected lady held a tea party for her wealthy and influential friends, and ate more cucumber sandwiches than were good for her.
During one of those deadly silences that happens in even the best of parties, a colossal breaking of wind came from the hostesses' direction. Never one to be easily embarrassed, she quickly said to her butler,
"James, stop that immediately!"
The butler turned slowly and replied in his most superior voice,
"Certainly madam, which way did it go?"
-
And now a couple of stolen jewels:
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First thing, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Good ones....and I always like the toons. Hummmm......Gotta see what I can find now.....
-
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
-
A veeery old one:
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says,
"Bad food."
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
-
A guy goes to his barber shop for a haircut.
"What are you squirming around so much for?", his barber asks
"My wife and me are going on vacation tomorrow and I'm excited", relies the customer
"Where you going?", asks the barber
"Italy", says the customer
"Italy?" responds the barber, "Italy… cripes. Unbearably hot, expensive, arrogant people. How you getting there?"
"Um, TWA", answers the customer
"Oh yeah, TWA, The Worst Airline! It'll be crowded, you'll be jammed into coach. And where you staying?"
"Uh, the Rome Hilton" stammers the customer.
"Cripes, that's the worst hotel! No views, damn expensive and the staff is arrogant. And what do you think you're going to do in Rome anyway?"
"Well, we want to visit Vatican City and I was hoping to meet the Pope" answers the customer.
"Yeah, right! Here's how that'll work: you're on one side of Vatican Square and over on the other, up on a balcony about the size of a flea, stands the pope. Yeah, you'll meet the Pope!"
So, dejected, the guy leaves the barbershop.
Three weeks later, he's back for another haircut.
"Well how was Italy?" asks the barber
"Man, it was great! The weather was perfect, food excellent and Italians have to be the friendliest people on earth", the customer tells him.
"Yeah, well how was that TWA flight?"
"Oh, let me tell you, it was oversold so we got bumped up to First Class. So, it was sip Champagne and nibble toast points all the way to Rome"
"Hmmm", responds the barber "Well, how was that Hilton?"
"Oh man, what a great deal we got! They just opened a new wing and we were the first guests to stay in it so they complimented it to us, no charge. And it had a magnificent view of the Tiber and the Hills of Rome and the staff couldn’t have been nicer."
"Well," grumps the barber "how about the Pope? Meet him did ya? Ha ha ha"
"Oh, let me tell you what happened. I'm walking through the Vatican when one of the guards comes up to me. 'Scuzie Signore', he says to me' you know the Pope, the Papa? Well every day he sends us, the Vatican Guards, out to pick one tourist at random to meet the Pope. So, I'ma picking you. So, you want to go meet the Pope or what?' the guard asks me"
"Wait a minute," says the barber incredulously "Are you telling me you had a one-on-one with the Pope?"
"Yeah," says the customer "I sure did!"
"Oh..." stammers the barber "and what did he say?"
"Well," answers the customer "he looked me right in the eye and said 'Where'd you get that shitty haircut?' "
-
Ye ole barber should have seen that one coming :tearlaugh:
-
Still fishing in history...
An Amish boy and his father were lingering in a mall. They stared amazed at almost everything they saw, but especially at those two shiny, silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,
"What is this, Father?"
The father replied, puzzled,
"No idea, Son, never seen anything like this in my life."
While the boy and his father were watching astonished, a fat old crone moved up to the shiny doors and pressed a button. The doors slid apart, let the old crone into the small room behind them, and closed again.
Father and son watched puzzled the small numbers above the doors light up sequentially, then stop, then start lighting up backwards. Finally the walls slid open again and a luscious 24-year-old girl stepped out briskly.
The father, without taking his eyes off the girl, whispered to his son,
"Go get your mother, quick!"
-
John got a parrot as a birthday present. But alas, the animal had a very bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary; every word out of his beak was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to improve the bird's attitude by uttering only polite words in his presence, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to civilize the bird's vocabulary and behavior. But in vain.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John grabbed the parrot and shook him, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, caught the bird, went to the kitchen and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed like mad, then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot badly, John quickly open the door to the freezer; the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand, perched delicately on it and said,
"John, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my impolite and unforgivable behavior. Will you accept my humble apologies?"
John could hardly believe his ears. As he was about to ask the parrot what had operated such a dramatic change, the bird continued,
"Er... may I ask what the turkey did?"
-
LOLOL.....Good ones all...
-
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the catholic priest beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What can I do for you?"
"Well, there's this expensive electronic hair remover I bought in Zürich. It might be over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs officer asked,
"Do you have anything to declare, Father?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next!"
-
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
-
PROGRAMMING IS JUST LIKE SEX BECAUSE…
- One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- Once you get started, you'll only stop when you can't take it anymore.
- It takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.
- Nevertheless there are some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
- You can do it for money or for fun.
- If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.
- It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
- There's not enough taught about it in public school.
- It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly logical terms.
- Some people are just naturally good.
- Other people will never realize how bad they are, and if you try to tell them you're wasting your time.
- There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
- One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
- It's a great way to spend a lunch break.
- Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.
- Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.
- Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
- You'll miss it if it's been a while.
- There's always someone willing to write about the right way to do things.
- It doesn’t go so well when you're drunk, but you’re more likely to do it.
- Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.
- Elderly people can't brag enough about how good they were at it when they were young.
-
Good ones all....but really got a kick out of the Programming ones.....
-
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.
One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.
Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.
Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world.
Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
-
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows.
I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.
At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
-
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.
I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, it's worth one hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them.
I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes.
Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
-
There was this man who worked for the Post Office, whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna"
-
"Father, forgive me because I have sinned!"
"What did you do, son?"
"Last night I had a few drinks. I was walking on the street and got hungry. I was drunk, I vaguely remember I've assaulted a chicken den to catch a chicken to eat. But now I don't remember where, not even what I did to the chicken, I was really drunk! I can't say I'm sorry or repay the owner because I don't know who he was."
"Hmm... you will do the following. You'll give $50 to the first person you see when you get out of the church. Then you will be forgiven."
"Thank you, Father!"
The man walks out of the church and the first person he sees is an attractive woman.
"Here's $50, ma'am. Take them, please!"
"Nope. I want $100."
"But the priest said $50!"
"Oh, but he's an old client..."
-
LOLOLOL.....Two good ones..... Always get a kick out of the Post Office one.....
-
I liked a lot this one too...
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock of course, who was very interested in making money wherever he could. So he would often thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further - as it happened, he got away with it.
One day the Church of Scotland decided to do a big restoration on the roof of one of their biggest Churches. Jock put in a tender and as his price was so competitive he got the job.
And so he set about erecting the trestles, and putting up planks, and buying the paint. Yet, I'm sorry to say, thinning it down with perhaps too much turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a tremendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the paint from all over the Church and knocking Jock off his scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of his thinned useless paint.
Jock was no fool, he knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried,
"Oh God, forgive me! What shall I do?"
And from the thunder a mighty voice rumbled:
"Repaint, and thin no more!"
-
At a bus stop a drunk addresses a lady:
"OMG, aren't you an ugly cow!"
"And you... you... you are a... drunk!!!"
"Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be fine."
-
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
-
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
-
I've decided that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
-
A guy came racing into a crowded bar, with a gun in his hand which he kept pointing this way and that. "I want to know," he bellowed, "who the hell has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back shouted: "I don't think you brought enough ammo!"
-
During my prostate exam, I asked my doctor where I should put my pants. "Over there by mine" was NOT the answer I expected.
-
Some Great Chuckles......Woooohooooo
-
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
That's probably why dividing by 0 is a capital sin...
-
A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons,
"I'll make y'all a bet: I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood in it. Then the croc will close its mouth for one minute. If when it opens up again my things are intact, each of you buys me a drink. OK?"
The astonished crowd murmur their disbelieving agreement.
The man unbuttons his trousers and sticks his best friend and accessories into the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closes its mouth. The crowd gasps horrified.
After a minute the man grabs a beer bottle and smacks the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opens its mouth and the man takes out his privates - unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheers and applauds, the free drinks start coming.
After half a dozen beers the man stands up again and smiles:
"Fine, thank you! Now, I'll offer $100 to anyone willing to do the same."
A hush comes over the crowd.
After a while a hand comes up in the back of the bar and a tiny blonde speaks up,
"I... I'll try... just don't hit me so hard with the bottle!"
-
A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offers, "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were molesting a young woman. I told them kindly to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it to the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of y'all!' "
St. Peter looks at him, impressed,
"And when did this happen?"
"Oh, a couple of minutes ago..."
-
Oldie but goodie:
An old man is sitting in the mall, watching the world go by.
He sees a teenager with spiked hair, all in different colors: green, red, orange, blue. And keeps staring at him, and staring, and staring.
The teenager feels ill at ease,
"What's the matter, old skin? Never done anything wild in your life?"
"Yeah, sure. Got very drunk once and had sex with a parrot. Was just wondering if you could be my son."
-
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, "We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," says the patient.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
The patient replies, "It's never been used."
-
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
-
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink."
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink."
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
To which, the drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."
-
The CIA had an opening for a professional killer. After all the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists left, two men and a woman.
For the final test the CIA examiners took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must make sure that you will follow your instructions no matter the circumstances. In there you'll find your wife sitting on a chair. Just kill her."
The man protested,
"You can't be serious! How can you expect me to shoot my wife???"
The chief examiner shook his head,
"Then you're definitely not the man we're looking for. Sorry, take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He clenched his teeth, took the gun and entered the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Eventually the man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried hard but... well, I just can't kill my wife! Go to hell, you and your instructions!"
The chief examiner shook his head,
"You're right, evidently you don't have what it takes. Sorry, take your wife and go home."
Finally it was the woman's turn. Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Several shots were heard, then screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. Then after a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat off her brows.
"This f***ing gun was loaded with blanks!" she grumbled, "I had to beat the bastard dead with the chair!"
-
I'm definitely growing old. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
-
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
-
What happened when Napoleon went to mount Olive?
Popeye got very pissed.
-
:thumb_up:
-
:hallo: :dancing_skeleton: :drinkonus:
-
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
-
:tearlaugh: great one and a response that will haunt all males for some little time.
-
:grimdance:
-
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth
out?"
-
:tearlaugh: :pervy:
-
:tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :yeow: :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
-
Ad for a secretarial job:
Looking for a girl with no bad habits who is willing to learn.
-
:woohoo: I want to find one of them too
-
The Glasgow to London train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked,
"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Oh, Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!"
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted,
"Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine saw red; without a word he just picked up the little dog, opened the window, tossed it out and sat down.
The woman shrieked,
"But... but... this is quite intolerable!!! M-my Fifi... someone call the conductor, this American should be put in his place!"
A Scottish gentleman sitting nearby shook his head and spoke up calmly,
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
-
:thumb_up:
-
I'm at a point in my life where enjoying lots of bars just means a good phone signal.
-
I've installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
-
Some guy just gave me half a peace sign.
-
A guy in a pub, feeling ill at ease, realized that he desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, thus he timed his emissions with the beat so that they go unnoticed.
After a couple of songs he started to feel better. He finished his beer and noticed that everybody was staring at him... and suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.
-
Rubbish: the stuff you throw away
Stuff: the rubbish you keep
-
Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room.
-
Some guy just gave me half a peace sign.
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Shouldn't it be 1/5? :funny:
-
If it's your birthday in November, you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.
-
The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people.
-
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-
WooHooo......Some GREAT Chuckles ......
-
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
:tearlaugh: ¡¡¡ REALLY GREAT !!! :tearlaugh:
-
My thoughts exactly
Mine is O+ w/ :sake:
:tearlaugh:
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You sure it isn't :sake: with O+?
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Great jokes, guys. Thanks for the giggles and guffaws :smile:
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You sure it isn't :sake: with O+?
Possibly :iminnocent: :shhhh:
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he used to have sex
"Tarzan no know sex", he said puzzled.
Jane patiently explained to him what it was about.
Tarzan said "Oooh... Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree, fun!"
Horrified, Jane said,
"Tarzan, you got it all wrong! Let me show you how to do it properly..."
She took off her clothing and lied down to the ground.
"Here," she said pointing to the right spot, "In here is where you put it, understand?"
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her... and suddenly kicked her in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what looked like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"Are you crazy? Why the hell did you do that???"
"Tarzan check for squirrel", he replied.
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Absolutely
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So Jane reciprocated by kicking him in his family jewels, upon which Tarzan said "What'd you do that for?"
"Just checking for chiggers!"
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:thud: :tearlaugh:
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If you're wrong and you shut up, you're wise.
If you're right and you shut up, you're married.
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My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
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You know it's time to use mouthwash when the dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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I don't make mistakes, I date them.
"story of my life, I have the worst luck"
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My body is not a temple.
It is a distillery with legs.
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If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more then one child?
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LOLOL.....OK....Guess I gotta put one in.....Let me see now.......Hummmm.....Maybe this one:
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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:tearlaugh:
That would do it every time
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LOLOL.....OK....Guess I gotta put one in.....Let me see now.......Hummmm.....Maybe this one:
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
:thumb_up:
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Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee :grin: :(ROFLMAO:
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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing plain jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very crowded this morning, and as they walk through the ape exhibit they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. As the gorilla sees the woman, he begins showing some interest. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is now obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the ape's excitement, finds it funny and suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more, maybe by puckering her lips, wiggling her bottom at him, and playing along.
As she does it the gorilla gets even more excited and starts making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does it, and the gorilla looks about to tear the bars down.
"Why don't you try now lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him?" he says.
Amused and mischievous she complies, which drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
The husband then grabs the wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla, slams the cage door shut and whispers,
"Now, tell him you have a headache!"
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A guy steps into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asks calmly what he wants it for.
"Well," says the guy "it's for my mother-in-law, you see. She's ever been rather obtrusive, meddling and nasty, but now as she ages she's getting worse and worse..."
The pharmacist is shocked.
"I'm sorry Sir," he replies, "but you must understand that I'm not at liberty to help you committing a crime! Maybe if you leave immediately I shall refrain from calling the Police, though it would be my civil duty to do so!"
Without a word the guy reaches in his wallet, picks the photo of an evil-looking old crone and hands it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looks at it, winces, and says apologetically,
"Oh... but why didn't you say in the first place that you had a prescription? Here you go, that will be $10.50."
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The seven dwarfs were in Rome to pay a visit to the Pope.
When the Pope appeared Dopey said,
"Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The Pope replied,
"No Dopey, no dwarf nuns in the Vatican".
"Well your Holiness" Dopey said, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," the Pope said "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome".
"Oh... are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?", Dopey asked.
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the world", the Pope answered, "What's all this interest in dwarf nuns?"
Dopey looked chagrined over to where the other dwarfs stood giggling and chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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Halloween is just around the corner...
[attachment deleted by admin]
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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The Barf Kavanaugh porch decorations!
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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What do you call a stag that's been antler-stabbed in both eyes by a rival during a mating fight?
No idea
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A blind hart.
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A blind hart.
Sorry Sidherose, I admit it's a very bad pun... it was right there before your eyes :winks:: no eye deer :blush2:
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Ohhhhhhh, you get a :dispute: for that, Chiron.
I just pictured his daddy asking him if it was all worth it. :sure:
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You gotta overlook old gals, they can be a bit slow on the uptake at times.
:thissmall:
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Careful dRaCX! Some of them have unsuspected access to supernatural dark powers, especially at Halloween time... :jacko:
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Careful dRaCX! Some of them have unsuspected access to supernatural dark powers, especially at Halloween time... :jacko:
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
That's mostly the ones that survived the dark ages or went through puberty in the 70's. Those were DARK & Supernatural!
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Then we'll better be looking for a good male exorcist before it's too late... :nopanic; :tearlaugh: :funny: :comehere:
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I nearly got the piss smacked out of me one time at my Mother's house. She was smoking a fag when she said she lost her cherry.
I replied; 'For one, that happened long before I was born! And for gods sake don't drop any fire in your lap...it will attract religious fanatics carving on stone tablets. After all, it's been centuries since anyone spoke to a burning bush!'
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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That's mostly the ones that survived the dark ages or went through puberty in the 70's. Those were DARK & Supernatural!
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Or both. Yeah, watch out for them awful nasty Scorpio bitches...um, witches.
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step but found out that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she reached once again behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
Then a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we was friends!"
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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
"Hunting flies"
"Oh! Killing any?"
"Yep, so far three males and two females"
"I don't believe you! How can you tell them apart?"
"Oh, that's easy: three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
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During a sex education class , the teacher had draw a penis on the chalkboard and said that boys possessed one.
Little Johnny immediately raised his hand and when the teacher called on him, insisted that his daddy had two.
The teacher said this is not possible, to which little Johnny replied, yes he does.
He has a little one that he uses when he goes to the bathroom.
And a big one when he bushes Mommy's teeth .....
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:thud: oh my........
The flies were good :thumb_up:
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Good ones all....and yup....I agree with Ray on the Fly one....pretty cute...and sooooo true LOLOLOL
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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.
He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
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Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.
"I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?"
"Yes. Speaking."
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? I's in your files. HOW?"
"Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue."
"GOD! This is too much."
"Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.
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A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit.
On Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
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Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
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Regular naps prevent old age - in particular if you take them while driving.
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Two ancient Roman soldiers bragging about women:
"You won't believe how many girls I screwed this year in Gallia! Just guess!"
"MMM..."
"Now don't be silly, not that many!"
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Saying the same thing over and over again, but each time expecting different results... that's called parenting.
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Saying the same thing over and over again, but each time expecting different results... that's called parenting.
Also the first sign of insanity ... oh wait a minute ...
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Makes a sort of odd sense to me...
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Excellent Chiron.....thanks for waking me up in here. Now let's see what I can find......
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A few pearls of wisdom:
- I think animal testing is a terrible idea: they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have the exact change.
- Computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I loathe plants.
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
.......
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
They're all good but I liked that one a lot :smiley:
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Thanks! :blush2: :blush2: :blush2:
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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:(ROFLMAO:
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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Derry one night, with Paddy the pilot and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Derry airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus!" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is!"
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus, "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see!"
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse", said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away", said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can", said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"I be doing dat already!" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt an inch from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus,
"Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in me whole life!".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is!".
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:tearlaugh:
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:thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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In the European Heaven
- The French are the cooks,
- The English are the police,
- The Germans are the mechanics,
- The Italians are the lovers,
- The Swiss organize everything.
In the European Hell
- The English are the cooks,
- The Germans are the police,
- The French are the mechanics,
- The Swiss are the lovers,
- The Italians organize everything
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Well, just anyone can roast beef...
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"As good as this bar is," says the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy you the fifth."
"Well, Angus," counters the Englishman, "at my favorite inn in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," exclaims the Irishman, "back home in my fav’rite pub, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and the Scotsman watch him incredulous but the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Are you sure? Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admits the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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:tearlaugh: :pervy: :cheer:
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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:tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO: :tearlaugh:
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I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
Walking is a little awkward but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
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A guy walks into a bar really pissed off, sits down, orders a drink and shouts aloud,
"Man, are lawyers assholes!"
The guy next to him turns around and goes,
"Hey, how dare you?! I might sue you for that!"
"Opps... are you a lawyer?"
"Adding insult to injury, huh??? F*ck NO, I'm an asshole!"
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What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
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:tearlaugh:
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A husband left a letter for his wife on the dining room table:
"My Dear Wife,
you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy adequately. Still I am very happy with you and I regard you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
Many kisses.
Your beloved husband"
When the man came home late that night, on the dining room table he found the following reply:
"My Dear Husband,
I read your letter and thank you for your candor and honesty about my being 54. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are 54 too.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman quite familiar with math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one relevant asymmetry though: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Many kisses.
Your beloved wife"
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On their way to the church the bride and the groom get involved in a fatal car accident. They suddenly find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter looks puzzled,
"I don't know, it's the first time anyone asks that. Let me go and find out".
And he leaves without another word.
They sit down and wait, and wait, and wait... and while waiting they discuss the eternal aspect of getting married in Heaven:
"But what if it doesn't work?" they wonder, "Will we be stuck together forever and ever?"
After three months St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" they say, "But, er... we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground,
"Are you both crazy???"
"What's wrong?" asks the groom, "It was just a question!"
"OH, COME ON!" shouts St. Peter, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! How long do you think it might take me to find a lawyer???"
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:puah: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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:tearlaugh: ! ! !:tearlaugh:
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofysacramento
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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A will is a dead giveaway.
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Two elderly ladies were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Martha noticed something funny about Henrietta's ear and said,
"Henrietta, can it be that you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Henrietta, astonished, replied, "Do I, really?"
She pulled it out, stared at it surprised, then said,
"Martha, I'm glad you saw it. Now I think I know where to look for my hearing aid."
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
Awesome ones.....
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Congress of Irish Unions determined that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent out an inspector to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and to know how much you pay them!", demanded the inspector.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. He makes €200 a week plus free room and board.
And there's the cook: she has been here for 18 months and makes €150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the halfwit: he works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays for his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also occasionally sleeps with my wife."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the halfwit!", said the agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
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It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "this seat is actually empty."
"This is incredible!" exclaimed the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
"Well, the seat actually belongs to me," explains the neighbor sadly "I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, a relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No," he says, "They're all at the funeral."
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Miss Agatha was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Agatha had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its weird contents, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer.
"Miss Agatha," he said pointing to the bowl "I wonder if you would tell me about this..."
"Oh yes," she replied brightening, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the curb. The instructions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent unpleasant diseases. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"
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Oh my giddy aunt
-
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
-
Exquisite
-
Exquisite
Agreed! :tearlaugh:
-
Damn Skippy!!!
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
:(ROFLMAO: :funny: :yeow: :funny: :(ROFLMAO:
Reminds me of my mother-in-law (†97), not an enemy in the world, she rests in peace now - though in the next coffin my poor father-in-law's bones are probably going through a pretty rough time... :tearlaugh:
-
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
-
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the local people, teaching them to read, to write and to be good Christians.
One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin - Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
After so many years one day the wife of a tribe's dignitary gives birth to a white child.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You speak much evils of sex", he says menacingly to the man of God,"but black woman here makes white child. You only white man here! We no dumb, Father!"
The missionary, somewhat alarmed, replies hastily,
"No, no, my good man! You are certainly mistaken. What you have here must be a natural occurrence - what is called an 'albino'. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them there is a black one. Nature will do this on occasion, and shall not be questioned!"
The chief pauses for a moment, considers, then says,
"Tell you what, Father: you speak nothing about black sheep, I speak nothing about white child, OK?"
-
A blonde was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. But she was sure she was not speeding. So what the heck???
Just to be sure she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, and again the camera flashed.
Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
-
As it is written "you are nothing but a rubber ducky floating in a sea of temptation."
-
LOLOLOL....Funny ones indeed....gotta get a new one up when I find one.....LOLOL
-
Never buy a car you can't push.
-
Death is life's way of saying "you're fired."
-
Married men say they do the following twice as often as when they were single: change their underwear.
-
I was raised as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
-
Cute ones "J" LOL....
-
A group of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. They stopped at a cheese farm and a young guide led them through the process of cheese making. She told them that goat's milk was used, and showed them a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce. What do you do in America with your old goats.?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
-
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
-
Good morning all!
This story is one I heard when I was a kid.
Three guys were on a boat, out for an afternoon ride, and suddenly a storm arose on the sea, pushing them so far off course they had no idea where they were. Finally, they spy a decent sized island and head for it.
They get their boat to shore and unload what little they have and set up a base camp. Then they decide to split up and look for fruit, game - whatever they can feed themselves with. To do this, they split up. One went to the left side of the beach, one to the right side of the beach and the other guy into the interior.
The first one finds some bananas and coconuts and sets them aside. He's looking for more when he hears a terrible, dire sounding noise overhead. The sun is blocked out and he sees it's some sort of gigantic bird. As it flew over, it dropped a load on him.
Screaming, he runs back to the beach and into the water to wash it off...and falls down dead.
The same thing happens to the second guy who ran down the beach after some crabs. The huge bird dumps on him; he tries to wash it off in the ocean and dies.
The third guy spies a good sized hill as he heads into the interior. He decides to climb up there and see what he can see of the island. At the base of the hill, he sees an old, old sign nailed up on one of the trees. It says ominously, "Beware the Foo Bird!" He wonders what crack pot wrote that as he heads up the hill.
As he comes to the top of the hill, a great shadow flies overhead and dumps on him. The ocean is a bit far away, so he just lets it dry. He'll get it later...and nothing happens to him. He lives and walks away, only to find the others and know he is now alone on the island.
As he ruminates his fate by the fire that evening he realizes that there is an unseen moral to the story, which is...wait for it.........
If the Foo shits, wear it.
-
BwwwaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaa....... Love it......
-
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results.
When you preached, people slept.
When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
This corner of the Attic is mildewing since over a month, it needs some fresh air!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway.
-
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
He knows the guy as a rather conservative fellow, so the thing makes him quite curious.
"Say Jack,I didn't know you were into earrings..."
"Don't make such a big fuss, it's just one earring", replies the other demurely.
Silence falls for a few minutes, but then his curiosity wins,
"So, how long have you been wearing that one?"
"Since my wife found it in my car."
-
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Yup......
-
Those are hilarious, Chiron! Especially the last.
Thank you for some new ones!
-
Thanks Rayvn! :smile:
Hope the Reaper will take good care of me before I have to experience the last line personally... :(ROFLMAO:
-
Exquisite
-
Love the Jokes Chiron....now it's my turn LOL......Let's see....How do I start 2019.....
Q: What do computers and air conditions have in common?
A: They're both become useless when you open windows.
-
Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
-
:duh:
-
Today I had to rummage through an old backup external, and found...
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
... and...
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
And, shot in a nice seaside restaurant near Genoa...
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
Love all three
-
Still from that old dusty external,
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
A real gold mine indeed...
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
And why complicate our lives with so much useless math?
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
:tearlaugh:
-
This won me a joke contest when I was a kid:
What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
"Look at the orange mama laid!"
:D
Been teaching my son some jokes, he's in that stage where he finds EVERYTHING hilarious (The other day i mixed up my words and said "I need to wash the door to close my face" (I need to close the door to wash my face, because my cat always jumps into the sink when I'm washing my face and tries to play in the water and make a mess) and my son laughed for almost an hour..... :P Watching HIM laugh was way funnier than what i said!
:tearlaugh:
-
:thumb_up:
-
Cute one Ali..... :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
I wonder if that is why Tonto was always smiling when the Lone Ranger had to hitch a ride?????
-
Oh, now that's a bit weird. The Lone Ranger should know better.
-
Considering the image I put up today it's all weird.
-
I'm thinking one last look in the gallery is due.....I was in there earlier on....
-
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
-
Following on from that cracker...
Here is the news...
A Japanese plane transporting car parts developed engine trouble over Ireland and then exploded showering its cargo over a wide area.
Two eyewitnesses on the ground look up and one remarked...
"Look, paddy, it's raining Datsun cogs...
-
Paddy and Mick are looking at job ads in a shop window...
Look Mick someone's looking for tree fellers...
Ah tis no good, there's only two of us...
-
What do you call a fly with no wings?
Walk
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
Sit
-
I woke up this morning to a tap on the door...
Strange plumber I've hired....
-
What's a wog?
A wump of wood siwwy!
-
I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me how I found my steak?
Well, said I, I moved the parsley and there it was!!!
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Good ones Scouse......
-
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"
-
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
-
Always have loved this one :tearlaugh:
-
Yup...it's a classic. You'd be surprised how many have never seen it before LOLOLOL
-
When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem.
Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space.
They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
-
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
-
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
-
Winning Nobel prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
-
Where do the Irish keep their armies?
In their sleevies...
Newsflash...
A drunken Italian carrying two grenades made his way to the top of an office block where he detonated the explosives...
Police described the scene as being "high tiddly eyetie, boom boom..."
-
:thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :thud:
-
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
-
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
OMG, my Dad told me that one eons ago!!! LOL.
-
Kim Kardashian is going to be a lawyer! Best joke all day :sure:
-
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Now THAT is funny...... Her boobs have more brains then she does.....
-
What did Hillary Clinton say to Joe Biden when he blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill
:yesway:
... or was that AOC ... I get those two confused
-
:shrug: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
-
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
-
:thud:
:thud:
:thud:
:thud:
:tearlaugh:
-
Seconded
-
Scientific research has determined that blondes are more intelligent and its black hair that indicates someone is less so...
Meanwhile a man dies and finds himself at the gate of hell. A demon pitchforks him in and says "that lake will be your everlasting torment." He looks at it and it's a pool of faeces. So, he wades in till he meets others standing waist deep in it. This isn't that bad he thinks to himself. Just then the devil goes past in a speedboat and says...
Tea break over lads, back to your handstands...
-
They didn't mention that Blondes were the ones doing the research :java: :tearlaugh:
and YIKES on that joke LOLOL ..... Doing handstands will never be the same for me again LOLOLOL
-
It would be a miracle if I could do a handstand...
Not managed one for about 48 years...
-
Most of the time when I do them it's not on purpose :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
The mind boggles as to what could cause such a feat involuntarily... perhaps an overdeveloped defence mechanism that kicks in at the approach of a certain K?
-
LOLOL......could very well be....Fright does that........
-
Or could it be an attempted cartwheel of joy at the proximity of said K?
-
:o_go_on:
-
Who can really know the mind of the only sanity in this place? Not I, methinks as merely one of the lesser loons...
-
Or could it be an attempted cartwheel of joy at the proximity of said K?
As "J" so neatly put it.... :o_go_on: :tearlaugh:
-
That remark was in referenced to you being frightened silly man
-
I just brush her off like you do LOLOLOL :o_go_on:
-
How dare thee sirrah? My K is not dandruff...
-
I suppose it's somehow fitting we are talking of 'K' in here. :sure:
-
Ah, time to stand on your head... Puts me in a mind of this similar sort of joke I heard once:
A little girl had three rooms to choose from on her birthday. She was to look in each one and then decide which room she would pick.
The first room had a brand new bedroom set in it. It was a dream room for a little girl. She seemed quite enchanted with it as she went to the next door and opened it.
Inside the second room was a play-room with a Barbie house and furniture and even a Barbie car she could peddle herself around in. Okay, she closes that door and goes on to the third one.
When she opens the door all that's in there is a lot of straw and poop. Nothing more. Immediately she jumps up and down and says "I want this one!"
Her parents are perplexed at this and ask her why this room?
"Because!" she says. "With all that straw and poop there HAS to be a pony in there SOMEwhere!"
-
LOLOL.....Love that one.....Thanks for sharing....
And Yes....Tis good to let Kianna come out and play every now and then. She has a fan club ya know..... :ifonly:
-
THE CHEMIST'S RECIPE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
-
LOLOL.....Love that one.....Thanks for sharing....
And Yes....Tis good to let Kianna come out and play every now and then. She has a fan club ya know..... :ifonly:
Just hang on a minute... WHAT fan club?! Thought I was the One??
-
Well, your one and "J" is one....so one could say your BOTH the "ONE"
-
In that case...
We are the ones and only...
Can't take that away from us...
We are the ones and only...
Nobody we'd rather be...
-
And I'll add....
"AMEN TO THAT" :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
-
THE CHEMIST'S RECIPE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
I think I'll pass on that one.
-
And I'll add....
"AMEN TO THAT" :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
And they're both Certifiable! Either that or they're both into tentacle porn. I can't decide which.
-
And they're both Certifiable! Either that or they're both into tentacle porn. I can't decide which.
I might be certifiable but that is as far as it goes ....
-
I think I'll pass on that one.
Seconded
-
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
-
Double :thud:
So that is how adults deal with children
Never knew :iminnocent:
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Double :thud:
So that is how adults deal with children
Never knew :iminnocent:
It's a joke, J.
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Double :thud:
So that is how adults deal with children
Never knew :iminnocent:
LOL.....I think this lady is the exception to the rule "J". Most mothers rush through the store screeching NO, Hush, Quiet, or my favorite...."Wait till I get you home" LOLOLOL
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Actually, I witnessed what appeared to be such a mother in WalMart once. Cute little girl in the cart seat grabbing and doing the 'Gimme, gimme' hand thing, screamed like a banshee and the woman is going through the Toy aisles. She was evidently looking for a present for an older sibling or some other kid. Cuteness flew out the Garden Center door real fast as one aisle went to another making her way along. She never raised her voice but just said "No!" "No! You're not getting it!" That's all. And it never stopped, in any aisle subsequent. Not that I was following her around. She was everywhere I went. :shiv2:
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Another exception to the rule LOLOL.....
Granted....on a rare occasion I do see where the child will finally give up and behave...but that's normally when they are with the Grandparents....
Oh wait.....
That's because we give them what they want.....
Never mind LOLOLOL
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And they're both Certifiable! Either that or they're both into tentacle porn. I can't decide which.
Of course I'm certifiable... why else would I be in this place? And as for the other...
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It's a joke, J.
Yes we know, tis called dry humor on my part
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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
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Snicker
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
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:thud:
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got up this morning and my legs were killing me...
they were wrapped round my throat....
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Thankfully that's one picture I don't want to see in my mind LOLOLOL
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Could have been worse... might have been K's legs...
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Bwaaaahaaaahaaa.....
I've got a feeling a lot of eyes would have been ruined......
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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very good! a leg up from K would also have worked...
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I'm sure it would have since the horse was blind and wouldn't have been scared to death :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
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Oh hell yes :tearlaugh:
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
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A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.
"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist.
"What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"The one the Angel told Joseph to take."
Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt..........."
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Excellent each and every one of them.
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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
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:tearlaugh:
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Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
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Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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:thud: Yep, number one would be a very bad thing to say
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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What is the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts?
Ans: One has adult supervision.
-
Sometimes :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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hi, jack...
https://youtu.be/jVOmf28QGEQ
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LOLOL.....Now that's different......THANKS.... :yesway:
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Benefits of Drinking At Work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
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Benefits of Drinking At Work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
I can drink to that! :toast: :viking: :frau:
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I typically don't care much for FB but was scrolling through and ran across this post. When I finally stopped laughing so hard that I was having trouble breathing, I knew I had to steal it just for the other folks here who are sick, twisted and dark
Enjoy
I’m sorry. I’m not normal, I am aware of this fact. I also have a very dark and damaged sense of humor. Now, with that said, I just nearly physically died laughing at this review.
“I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read, but this stuff, Mag07, and the salt water flush will make your soul step out of your body along with everything you have eaten since birth!
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR beer and you don't want to be a sissy in front of your older brother and his friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you've got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life or just a horrible nightmare? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your rump.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You fear you're now close to meeting Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.â€
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
That certainly IS different
-
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
-
driving down a road a man sees a chicken with three legs. intrigued, he drives after it to a farm where there are more 3 legged birds. he asks the farmer why they have 3 legs.
Farmer says we like chicken thighs so theyre bred that way.
What do they taste like?
No idea... we never managed to catch one...
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:tearlaugh: Serves them right :tearlaugh:
-
same guy drives into the next town. a pet shop is selling cats imported from the netherlands. disbelieving, he goes in to ask...
:mwah: :mwah: :mwah: :mwah: :mwah:
how dutch is that moggy in the window?
-
:thud: :thud: :thud: :thud: :thud:
-
The battle of the sexes will never be won...
We fraternise too much with the enemy...
-
A man walking into his bedroom sees wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York. I've heard prostitutes get $400 each time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing his suitcase.
The Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming also just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."
-
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a heartwarming story.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
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Two women on the way back from a night out decided to stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes with her panties and the other uses a wreath.
Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no panties!"
The other man says....."That's all........ mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: "We'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."
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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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A bear is walking in the woods and he saw a big cave.
Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just
F*ck you or kill you?
Okay f*ck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:â€7 a.m.-f*ck the bearâ€
And he sends the bear away until tomorrow.
The bear walks home and bumps into wolf.
The wolf seeing the bear is not in the best mood he asks him what’s up.
The bear says:†Well I was walking around and found a cave…†he cheers up quickly “…and a found a cave filled with meat. But since I only eat fish I was wondering if you would like to go there?â€
The wolf hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just…
Fuck you or kill you?
Okay… f*ck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:â€8 a.m.-f*ck the wolfâ€
And he sends the wolf away until tomorrow.
The wolf walks home and bumps into a rabbit.
The rabbit seeing the wolf is not in the best mood he asks him what’s up.
The wolf says:†Well i was walking around and found a cave…†he cheers up quickly “…and a found a cave filled with carrots. But since I only eat meat I was wondering if you would like to go there?â€
The rabbit hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just…
F*ck you or kill you?
I don’t want anything!
And the giant writes in his planner:†the rabbit doesn’t want anything.â€
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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?â€
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
“Wedding cakeâ€.
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.â€
“Oh, really? Darn it!†said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.â€
“Well, now, not so fast,†said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?â€
“Oh, no, noâ€, said the old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,†said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?â€
“You see officer, not everybody pays.â€
-
An old lady walks into Tiffany’s…
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.
He politely greets the old lady with,
“good day, madam. How may we help you today?â€
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks,
“sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?â€
He answers,
“madam…if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.â€
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Bert is 85 years old and always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples wore on his tour.
So, seeing a pair on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
“Notice anything different about me?â€
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied,
“Nope.â€
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
“Notice anything different NOW?â€
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
“Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.â€
Furious, Bert yells out,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?â€
“Nope. Not a clueâ€, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!â€
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
“You shoulda bought a new hat!â€
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: All were great but liked the Golfing one the best......
-
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
-
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
-
:tearlaugh:
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My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.
I answered "How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision."
~
Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's
We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."
Because everyone will have 2020 vision.
~
My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;
Which is going to be extremely hard...
~
My New Year revolution is
to never use autocorrect again.
-
:thud:
-
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
-
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
-
Dumb Alabama Laws still in the books:
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
Incestous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Anniston:
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Jasper:
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County:
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile:
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
Montgomery:
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
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Not So Clever Pick Up Lines.....
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
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Yep :kianna: knows that none of those would work on her ... the poor souls that try to use those lines are going to be "virgins" for a very long time.
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Just like "K" according to statistics :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Rubbish she has enough experience to bring tears to your eyes and leave you gasping for breath ... and you know it
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Only part you got right was the gasping for breath....you run out of air when screaming in fear.... :java:
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:o_go_on: it can't be that bad since you are her most favorite and repeat visitor.
Psst .... you are the one who leaves her gasping for breath in pleasure .... BTW
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Duck hunting season had just opened and Fred traveled to Canada for his yearly hunting trip.
On his first day out on the lake, he was pretty successful and bagged 3 beautiful waterfowls.
On his way back to his cabin for lunch, he is stopped by the Game Ranger on his boat.
The ranger takes a peek inside and notices that he had a few ducks, and started chatting with Ole’ Fred.
He says,
“Looks like you had a pretty decent day out on the lake, but I’m going to have to verify you have the proper hunting licenses with you ‘eh.â€
Snagging the first fowl by the feet he shoves his index finger down its butthole pulls it out and takes a big whiff *sniiiiifff*
“Looks like this guy is a Canadian Goose. You got a Canadian Hunting License Sir?â€
Old Fred without hesitation pulls out his Canadian Hunting License from his shirt pocket.
“Well then,†says the Ranger, grabbing another duck, proceeding to shove his finger knuckle deep into its crevice.
*sniiiifffff* “This one here is a West Kansas Short-Tailed Duck. You got a Kansas Hunting License buddy?â€
Again without missing a beat Old Fred has that Kansas License out ready to display.
“Alrighty,†Declares the Ranger continuing his dirty deed.
*sniffffff* “This guy is a California Swan. I’d bet you don’t have a California Huntin’ License ‘Eh?â€
Mr. Fred pulls that License out of his pocket and the Ranger is dumbfounded.
“My goodness sir.†Stammers the Ranger,
“You mean to tell me you have a Canadian, a Kansas, and a California Game and Wildlife Hunting License… What parts do you come from pal?â€
Fred stands up drops his britches bends over and says,
“I don’t know.. Why don’t you tell me?â€
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A duck tries to walk into a bar, but he is stopped by the bouncer.
“One dollar cover,†says the bouncer.
The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.
Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar.
“One dollar cover,†says the bouncer.
The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.
Five minutes after that, a skunk tries to walk into the bar.
“One dollar cover,†says the bouncer.
The skunk walks away disappointed, for he only had a scent.
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A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 story high with another man.
She then heard her husband coming, so she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
HUSBAND: “What is this?â€
WIFE: “This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are traveling.â€
HUSBAND: “Okay…Let’s have sex now.â€
WIFE: “No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you.â€
After she left the room…
HUSBAND: “Damn I am so horny, I will have sex with this robot
The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…
“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE!â€
HUSBAND: “Damn robot is not working properly. I am throwing it out of the window.â€
The man realized that he was on the 20th story Building and said:
“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN!â€
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Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s friend’s mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son’s hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied “yesâ€.
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked “are they warm yet?†and the little boy said “yesâ€.
Johnny watched his friend and waited for his turn.
His friend’s mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, “yesâ€.
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked if his hands were “warm yet†and he said “yesâ€.
So she took them out.
Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit-eating grin on his face.
When the mom asked
“well what is it now, Johnny? What’s wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied:
“My ears are cold too!â€
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, can you dance?â€
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
“No son, I don’t dance… never really wanted to.â€
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
“Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now!†and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said;
“Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?â€
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
“No sir… but…but I’ve always wanted to.â€
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don’t be arrogant.
*Don’t waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don’t screw around with old folks; they didn’t get old by being stupid.
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Little Johnny’s father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said,
†Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?â€
Johnny replies, †It has two.â€
Little Johnny’s father then asks,
“How many eyes does the rooster have?â€
Johnny replies, †It has two.â€
Little Johnny’s father then asks, †Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?â€
Johnny replies, †It has two, daddy.â€
So then, Little Johnny’s daddy says,
†Well then, a big white catwalk up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?â€
Little Johnny scratches his head and replies,
†I don’t know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?â€
Little Johnny’s daddy grabs him by the arm and exclaims,
†Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?â€
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In a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said,
“All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.â€
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files.
But still, the firefighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65.
To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief,
“What are you going to do with all that money?â€
“Well,†said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief,
“the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.â€
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An elderly man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the old man.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles!†the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the old man again objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!â€
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
“No,†the patient says, “I am fine with pills.â€
The dentist then returns and says,
“Here is a Viagra tablet.â€
The patient says,
“Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!â€
“It doesn’t,†said the dentist and continued:
“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.â€
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The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said,
“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!â€
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:o_go_on: it can't be that bad since you are her most favorite and repeat visitor.
Psst .... you are the one who leaves her gasping for breath in pleasure .... BTW
You and she must spend a lot of time trying to figure out whose who since you always have things confused....LOLOL.....
But perhaps she's finally decided messing with your mind is easier to do then messing with others :tearlaugh:
PS: I'm her repeat avoider.....tsk tsk....after all of this time I would have thought you remembered that...she has
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:(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: :(ROFLMAO: Some Great Jokes....My favorite is the Firefighters..... :(ROFLMAO:
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Dumb joke of the Day!
What do you call a pig that dose Karate?
A pork chop.
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:thud: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Another dumb Joke of the Day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrow to high.
She look surprised.
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:cheer:
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Pick Up Lines that DON'T work:
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I'm working on a porn site. Wanna be in the first video?
You must be a track star because you've been runnin marathons through my mind ALL day.
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Indeed ... definitely not going to score any point with those
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The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he got out his cell phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. :OMFG:
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:thud: :tearlaugh:
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Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!
It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
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The Petty Office told a sailor who's name was Sad Sack, "You are not totally useless. You can serve as a bad example."
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Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!
It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
I just don't think poetry is this guy's number. :(ROFLMAO:
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Too right
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A man was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said,
“Can you please help me? I don’t know what hole I’m onâ€
She told him,
“You are one hole behind me, I’m on 7 and you are on 6.â€
He thanked her and carried on playing golf.
On the back nine, he got lost again.
He saw the same woman and went over to her again,
“I’m sorry to bother you but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on?â€
She told him
“You are one hole behind me, I’m on 14 and you are on 13†Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.
As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m in sales†He replied, “No kidding so am I, what do you sell?â€
She said It’s too embarrassing to tell.
But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, “I sell tamponsâ€
The old man immediately fell to the floor laughing his socks off.
She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh!â€
“I’m so sorry,†he replied,
“but I couldn’t help it… I sell toilet paper, I’m still one hole behind you!â€
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An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down, addresses the customers by saying,
“I’ll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'â€
Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.
A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him,
“Is yer wager still applicableâ€
The old man tells him it is and the bartender sets 10 pints of ale on the bar.
In a minute and a half flat, the Irishman is done and the old man hands him the bag of money.
“Just one thing sirâ€, the Old man says,
†I noticed you left the pub earlier when I introduced my proposalâ€.
“Aye ye did ser,†says the Irishman,
“I went next door to see if I could do it firstâ€.
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A family’s beloved dog manages to contract some sort of illness to his reproductive area.
The dog is old, but the family loves him very much and wants him to recover.
The family’s father takes the pup to the vet.
“Yes,†the vet says,
“I’ve seen this before. It’s no problem, we’ll just replace the pen!s.â€
“You can do that?†the father asks.
“Oh yes. Look here, we have replacement pen!ses stockpiled for emergencies like this one.â€
The vet opens a freezer to reveal replacement dog pen!ses stacked like hot dogs.
The man reaches his hand in, and the doctor slaps his hand away.
“You idiot!†the vet screams.
“You can’t touch an old dog’s new d!cks!â€
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Adam and Eve said,
“Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.â€
And God said,
“I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.â€
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said,
“Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.â€
And God said,
“I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. The dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.â€
And God said,
“I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.â€
And God created the CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn’t give a damn one way or the other.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.â€
“What?†said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?â€
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!â€
“Good,†said the new husband,
“but, why?â€
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed
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:funny: :awesome: :funny:
All good, golf and lawyer win!
:tearlaugh:
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:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Good Ones "J".....
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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:funny: :funny: :funny:
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:thumb_up:
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An elderly gentleman of 90 arrives in France by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, Monsieur?†the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.â€
The British gentleman says,
“The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.â€
“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!â€
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
“Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.â€
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That's telling him LOL..... Good one...
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A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
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:thud: :pervy: :tearlaugh: :cheer:
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So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest…
Kind of pissed off because he doesn’t want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads.
He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Any way … this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you, do, and he begs her;
“Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such.â€
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says “Abracapokus! You’re green.â€
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the Fairy Godmother “Wait a minute; my meat & two vegs are still yellow.â€
To this the Fairy Godmother said, “I don’t do w!llies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of the enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
He implores her; “Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off.â€
She is a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, “You’re brown.â€
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
He says, “What about my wedding tackle, they’re still purple!
She says, “I don’t do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that.â€
To this, the bear replies, “Well that’s just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?â€
The Fairy Godmother answers;
“That’s easy, just follow the yellow prick toad.
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Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.
The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole.
The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.
The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole.
After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.
Both men, wanting to know how deep the hole is, spot an anvil and decide to toss it in, surely it would make a noise loud enough to hear.
A few seconds after throwing the anvil in, a goat comes sprinting through the brush and dives into the hole headfirst.
Both men are completely astonished and scared half to death.
A few minutes later, an old farmer comes tromping through the woods and asks the two men:
“Hey have you two seen my prize-winning goat?â€
The first guy tells the farmer:
“Yeah! Just a minute ago your goat came sprinting through the woods and dove into the hole! It scared us half to death!â€
The old farmer replies:
“That’s impossible! He was tied to an anvil!â€
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Three men were married to girls from different parts of the world.
The first man married a girl from Sweden. He told her that she must do the housework. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see the house clean.
The second man married a girl from Thailand. He told her that she must do the housework and have his dinner fixed promptly at 6pm every day. On the first and second days, he didn't see any results, but on the third day he came home and found his dinner on the table, and the house was immaculate.
The third man married a girl from Canada. He told her he wanted her to do all the housework, keep the lawn mowed, do the laundry, and make sure he had a hot meal on the table three times a day. On the first day, he didn't see anything. On the second day, he still hadn't seen anything. By the third day, he could see a little bit out of his left eye, he could load the dishwasher, and make himself a sandwich. To this day, he still has some difficulty peeing.
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:#1: :dancingknight: :#1:
Awesome jokes .......You both get a box of :havesum: and maybe I'll throw in a :cheer: or two :cheer:
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"I gave you the best years of my life."
"So, what do you want - a receipt?"
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"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"Then don't do that."
Abbot and Costello, comic amazement.
Cheers 8 )
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"I gave you the best years of my life."
"So, what do you want - a receipt?"
a refund mayhap?
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:tearlaugh:
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An enforcer of the law encounters a drunken man groping round under a street light. Sir, can I ask what you’re doing? Lost my keys, hossifer... after 20 minutes of fruitless searching the question has to be asked... sir are you sure you lost your key here? No hossifer... it was further along the street but it’s too dark down there...
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Passing drunk sees a man having car trouble...
wassamarrer mate?
Piston broke...
Yeah me too...
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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Normally 'teachers jokes' mean fun at a teacher's expense, whereas these excuse notes are teacher's revenge, having a laugh at pupil's excuses, some were even written by the children themselves.
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling), collected by schools from all over the country.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.Funny School Excuses
Please exkuce Pam for being absent from skool. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please exscuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Marvin from Physical Education lessons for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Eddie for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Mary-ann was absent October 8-11, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Pick your favorite Excuse....Mine was:
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
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Has to be...
Please exkuce Pam for being absent from skool. She was sick and I had her shot.
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LOLOLOL.....I was close to picking that one......but glad you did.....Hilarious
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I'm quite fond of:Please excuse Eddie for being. It was his father's fault.8 )Cheers
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Bwaaahaaahaa...Yup...that's a winner also. Hard to believe that these are real notes....but they are....
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Along similar lines...
Most of the time, auto, home and business accidents are humdrum affairs involving fender benders, storm damage or uninsured motorists—no laughing matter, in other words. In these cases, compiled by BusinessBalls.com, however, we must admit we cracked a grin or two.
15. “Going to work at 7AM this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early.â€
14. “I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.â€
13. “I was going at about 70 or 80MPH when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles, so I lost control.â€
12. The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
“Q. What warning was given by you?
A. Horn
Q. What warning was given by the other party?
A. Moo.â€
11. “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.â€
10. “I came around a corner while cycling to work and was run off the road by a herd of guinea pigs. I broke my arm.â€
9. “The leaking toilet is reached through my back passage, but please tell the plumbers when they arrive that they must knock on the front door as my back passage is blocked with the things out of the toilet.â€
8. “I bumped into a lamp post, which was obscured by human beings.â€
7. “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.â€
6. “I struck a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.â€
5. “I rear-ended the car in front of me and smashed the taillight. I then reversed slightly so I could see the damage, but hit the front bumper of the driver behind me. Then I opened my door to exit the vehicle and knocked down a passing cyclist.â€
4. “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.â€
3. “My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.â€
2. “I was driving along when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately, I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.â€
1. “The accident was caused by me waving to a man I hit last week.â€
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Gotta pick a favorite before anyone else does:
I was going at about 70 or 80MPH when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles, so I lost control.
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During my self imposed isolation I’ve being talking to a spider I met in the hall...
He is very clever at using the internet...
Tells me he is a web designer...
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Observation skills:
8. “I bumped into a lamp post, which was obscured by human beings.â€
See? didn't see the pole..... 8 )
Cheers
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I spent the afternoon trying to come up with a name for a great song that I wrote....and it finally came to me....
"If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now"
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If you’d have shot the sheriff and his deputy you’d never have been arrested in the first place...
:CLINTE:
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Yikes
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New definition of Frustrated: a paraplegic with a hard on
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For sure......LOL
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Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!"
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A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his ass.
The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: "Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern.
I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
Note: I'm still trying to figure out how the bartender knew there was a cork shoved up the guys ass.... :whatthe:
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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample." says the officer "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." says the officer
"I can't do that, officer."
Now becoming frustrated the officer says "Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk." Says the guy (with a full grin on his face)
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Snicker
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Police just knocked at my door. They asked if I’d heard of H & D? No... L & S? No... F & T? What is this about? Am I a suspect? No... this is just our initial enquiry...
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LOL....Funny one...
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My Great Granddaughters password for the Disney website is "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto." I asked her why, She said: "They told me to use 4 characters"
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Disney executives often encourage paramedics to only declare a person dead after they are off Disney property, as to not kill the 'Magic'.
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A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, 'Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated.'
Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, 'Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?' The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, 'Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated.'
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:iminnocent: :whatthe: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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The man and his family go to a restaurant for supper.
The man orders soup for starters, so the waiter brings the soup with his thumb in it and the man says:
Why is your thumb in my soup?
The waiter says: I was hanging a picture in the kitchen and I bang my thumb and the doctor told to keep it in a warm place to ease the swelling.
The man says: Why don't you stick it up there where the sun don't shine.
The waiter says: Well there is where I had it but, they needed me to help serve!
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:puah:
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So I went to Walmart today and ya'll should have seen all the commotion!!
Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth and Uncle Ben were protesting peacefully...
Texas Pete & Captain Morgan were getting drunk and having a good time...
Lil Debbie was working the corner & ole Jimmy Dean was showing off his sausage to everyone!!
Poor ole Mr. Clean was stuck trying to clean up the mess all by himself and just couldn't keep up.
I'm telling ya, the world has done gone crazy!!
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Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.
When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first, he must find a job:
Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.
It’s his lucky day!
They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
“See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.â€
Bubba the redneck promptly answers.
“That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.â€
The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.
This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class.
Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.â€
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.
This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?â€
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says.
“White oak, 242 board feet at best.â€
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.
As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him.
“See that tree over there?†“I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!â€
The foreman thinks to himself.
“Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?â€
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.
He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,†Bubba says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically.
“How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?â€
The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies.
“Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.â€
Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day…
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Bwaaaa Haaaa Haaaa..... He took no shit from anyone LOLOL---Good One
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A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience.
He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.
He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.
The engine was fixed!
7 Days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.
"What?!" the owners said. "You hardly did anything. Send us an itemised bill."
The reply simply said:
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998
Don't ever underestimate experience.
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So very true......
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A Good Etiquette Guide For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Regarding: A Good Etiquette Guide For Rednecks: Wedings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
I do have a problem with number 3 and 4. I guess you never seen Redneck have a Las Vegas Wedding.
Lets start out with the start out with the swimming hole in the back of one them there major hotels. Wedding are held in the pool it would be practical to wear much of anything in there and you can get a gander at what the groom is about to receive. Here it is good manner to have an old maid to be married at twenty years old or more.
Then there is a place where they have clothing optional very strange places no clothes at all required for the wedding. And yes you get to gander more at what the groom is about to receive. Hopefully it is an old maid of twenty years or more. Which are very good manner for this type of wedding.
Then there are the Wedding Chapels where it looks like a gathering of Dog Patch where people come dressed as they are to get hitch to the old ball and chain whoops I mean the little lady to be.
There are my reasons why I have problems with 3 and 4, where some people show up dress nice and the next couple come in, in tees shirts, shorts and flip flops.
Only in Las Vegas where anyone and Redneck are truly welcomed.
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:cheer: :dancingknight: :cheer:
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Little Johnny is asked by his teacher:
“What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?â€
“Well, sir.†Says Johnny.
“When I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big t!ts and a wet pussy!â€
The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father.
The next day, the teacher asks.
“So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?â€
“Well, sir.†Says Johnny.
“We sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be gay!â€
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A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver’s license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn’t help but ask,
“Do you have a gun in your possession?â€
She replied in her crackly voice,
“Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.â€
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the centre console.â€
The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?
The little old lady held up her purse and replied,
“Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.â€
Finally, the astonishing trooper asked,
“What are you afraid of?â€
And the little old lady smiled and replied:
“Not a Thing.â€
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A philosopher, a mathematician and an old drunk man found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,†the Devil started,
“Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.â€
“If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.â€
The philosopher stepped up,
“OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,†With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked,
“Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!â€
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The old drunk man stepped forward and said,
“Bring me a chair!â€
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.â€
The Devil did just that.
The old man then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked,
“Which hole did my fart come out from ?â€
The Devil inspected the seat and said,
“The third hole from the right.â€
“Wrong,†said the old man,
“it’s from my ass hole.â€
The old drunk went to Heaven.
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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle,
she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex:
“Tarzan not know the sex!†He replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said. “Oh, Tarzan use hole in the trunk of a tree!â€
Horrified, she said.
“Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!â€
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here!†She said.
“You must put it in here!â€
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.
Jane rolled around in agony but manages to gasp for air and screamed.
“What did you do that for?â€
“Tarzan check for bees!â€
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The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.
Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
‘Blessed, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’
She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’
She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
‘Well,fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…..tidy yourself up!..
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:iminnocent: :whatthe: :woohoo: Good Ones ALL...... :#1:
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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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Eye, eye... she didnt see that one coming...
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A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver’s license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn’t help but ask,
“Do you have a gun in your possession?â€
She replied in her crackly voice,
“Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.â€
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the centre console.â€
The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?
The little old lady held up her purse and replied,
“Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.â€
Finally, the astonishing trooper asked,
“What are you afraid of?â€
And the little old lady smiled and replied:
“Not a Thing.â€
like that one...
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One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain.
This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve.
The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
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:whatthe:
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".
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Exquisite ... each and every one of them
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Damn...Someone stole my Helicopter while I was putting up my jokes..... :whatthe:
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Guess you will have to use the unused hovercraft over next to Kianna's garage of vehicles :heeheehee:
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I found a one wheel scooter laying around so I'll use that instead.... :iminnocent:
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If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much.....just an occasional sun visor.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.
My mother loved children, she would have given anything if I had been one.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
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LOLOL......Good Ones Rad.... :#1:
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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.
Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got a teeny, weeny member, very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
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:whatthe:
"There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
~Will Rogers~
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
~Will Rogers~
The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
~Will Rogers~
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
~Will Rogers~
If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.
~Will Rogers~
Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter...he's just got to know.
~Will Rogers~
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Always enjoyed Will Rogers witticisms.....Thanks for posting them
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Best meme ever from FB
When Nov 1st rolls around and we are to turn our clocks back for daylight savings time.
Not doing it, who in their right mind wants another hour of 2020
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Exactly......
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from FB
What triggers your anxieties?
Nouns.
Nouns?
Well, people, places and things mostly
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Fits you to a "T" my friend.....but you do leave the shell home every now and then.....Much better then earlier on ......
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Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations! :drinkonus:
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Seconded
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Well now,
The lights were turned off in the bay at my work.
The office lady came out and turned on one row of them and I asked, "What can you not see in the dark?
Yes, I can see in the dark that is why I turned on the light.
:thud:
:ummm:
Seriously :whatthe:
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LOL......I think she was being sarcastic "J"....
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uh doubt it
Once it hit her as to what she said, she was dying laughing about it so hard it brought tears to her eyes.
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LOLOL.......
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Mentioned it to her and yep she said sorry no sarcasm, she truly said it off the cuff and just broke down laughing
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LOL.....I was just joking with you on the Sarcastic part..... I keep telling you that you need to "Chill"
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:ummm: Well, as you can tell I don't know how :tearlaugh:
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True that LOLOL
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Didn't have to agree so rapidly :sigh:
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On a good note.....you're much better with humor then you use to be..... :drinkonus:
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
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I couldn't work today because of an eye problem. I just couldn't see myself working.
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Nice I needed something like this to lighten my mood
My thanks
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When life gives you mold, make penicillin.
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my friend and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my friend called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
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:thumb_up:
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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing.
He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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:thumb_up:
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
“Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
“Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s”
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A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the banks call centre.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call centre operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
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When Ralph first noticed that his pen!s was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife:
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?”
The wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” Responded the surprised doctor.
“Well.” Said the wife coldly.
“You’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean.
“He couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy.
“A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean,
“you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy.
“Mrs O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
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LOL....Good ones all...... :woohoo:
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A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !
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I didn't want to believe he was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there
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:thud: Bwaaaahaaaahaaaa
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A man goes to see a wizard and says "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe,' says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
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I'm sorry.... that's one of the unbreakable curses.
Where you could dissolve the main part, the residual part of the curse will continue to operate.
There's always the assassin route........
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Hummm.....You do have a point there..... :iminnocent:
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Time for a bit of DARK as in very DARK humor
HOW TO RESPOND TO “HAVE YOU EVER KILLED SOMEONE?”
1. Become visibly nervous, lean forward, and then whisper, “So you see them too?”
2. “Only the short ones.”
3. Note the color or feature of their shirt. “Only people in [insert their shirt color] … There’s just something about that color …” follow with dead silence and a disconnected gaze.
4. “Yup! Wait, you meant like in the war? Haha. Oh no, I was supply.”
5. “Not on purpose.”
6. Pull out a coin and stare at the individual. Actually, you’re not trying to stare at them, you’re staring into them. Gaze deeply into their very soul and hold the coin out until the tension in the room is palpable, then simply ask, “Heads or tails?” Flip the coin, catch it, and intensely stare at the palm of your hand without letting them see the coin. Shake a little bit for dramatic effect if you want. After several moments suddenly change your expression to light and happy, then inform them that they were correct.
7. Really emphasize the word “people” in this one — “What like people? No, I’ve never killed any people.” Do not elaborate. If they persist, make a loose reference to aliens, something like “We don’t know what they were” will work fine. End with “I’ve already said too much,” and walk away.
8. If they’re young, say, “Yes, and I was one short of unlocking the Chopper Gunner.” (They’ll get it.)
9. “With what?”
10. “I’ll only answer your awkward question if you answer one of mine first.” Then proceed to ask them one of the following:
Have you ever heard your parents having sex?
In 200 words or more, describe your last shit.
What’s the last thing you cried about?
Can you meet me in the bathroom and tell me if this rash looks serious? I can’t show you here.
11. Bonus answer perfect for post-pandemic dinner parties: “Only when we were hungry.”
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Hummmm....I've got to keep a few of those in mind LOLOL......
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
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A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
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Remember if you shoot a duck ... I am scared of toasters
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Ummmm.....Rigggggghhhht..... :lostme: :tearlaugh:
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Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
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Restaurant reviews for the new diner on the moon claim the food is okay, but there's no atmosphere.
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The broccoli says "I look like a small tree", the mushroom says "I look like an umbrella", the walnut says "I look like a brain", and the banana says "Can we please change the subject?"
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Possibly :tearlaugh:
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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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:thumb_up:
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This explains a lot
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LOL..... :sassy:
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Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having sex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”
The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”
The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”
“No.”
“I could go to my dad.”
“Fine. How much? ”
“200$”
“Fine. ”
This happens again later in the week.
“Dark in here isn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”
“How much?”
“300$”
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”
“For how much?”
“500$”
“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”
They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?”
The reverend says: “Don’t start that shit again. Your in MY closet now.”
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Bwaaaahaaaahaaaaa
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A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
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:tearlaugh:
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To funny not to share from Facebook
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:pervy:
Roses are red
violets are blue
Don't just use your finger
Use your tongue too.
:pervy:
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Love the share from FB....that's pretty cute LOLOLOL
And exactly WHAT are you using your tongue on.....Hummmmm..... :ifonly:
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A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
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A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
Have they found his body yet?
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I think she buried him in Cat Litter..... :ifonly:
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It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer.
“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
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:thud: :tearlaugh:
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:puah: :yeeech: need to wash that down. :beer:
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A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver
Officer: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law."
Driver: "Tits"
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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A man gets on a crowded elevator. He look around some people look upset and some look depressed. As the doors close and the elevator starts moving a person in the back starts saying, " Rose are red, Violets are blue, I have the Flu and now you do too."
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A man gets on a crowded elevator. He look around some people look upset and some look depressed. As the doors close and the elevator starts moving a person in the back starts saying, " Rose are red, Violets are blue, I have the Flu and now you do too."
:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: A man in the front of the elevator turns around and says, " roses are red, violets are blue, I got my flu shot so piddle on you."
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:thumb_up: LOL
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LOLOL....Great comeback.....
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A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :thumb_up:
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stay with it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5R-rbzcEM8A
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Seen it coming LOLOL....One of those YOUCH moments....
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A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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:glittery:
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.
He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.
Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”
And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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:glittery:
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
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There is a factory in northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m.
The next day, at 8:45 a.m., the foreman throws open the personnel manager’s office door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re literally beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Double big :thud:
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We interrupt the scheduled programme to bring you a weather warning… conditions are now severely Wal-Mart…
…branches everywhere!
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I keep asking myself...."Where would we be without Wally World?" :nopanic;
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A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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:thumb_up:
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If only…
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A Police Officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 Mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then aays, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that Officer trying to give her back!”
The cop walked slowly back to his squad car chuckling and then took off.
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
"Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Her husband answers, “Because he’s thinking of getting married”
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Tee-Hee :yesway:
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Too right
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When a cougar gets older and starts to lose her hearing she becomes ....
a Def Leppard
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:whatthe: ;perplexed: :thumb_up: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: Now I get it.
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LOL......Florida is LOADED with two legged Cougars......
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What’s a round robin?
Batman
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What’s a wog?
A wump of wood, siwwy…
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I like women…
Especially fwont cwawl…
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on the bulb… it must want to change…
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
Or a man with no arms or legs who fell into the sea?
Bob
Or a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug
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Russia has a new snooker champion…
Inoff the Red
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Will customers not lean on the bacon slicer…
We get behind in our orders…
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:duh:
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As you enjoyed those…
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig…
Or a fish with no eyes?
Fsh…
Where do the Irish keep their armies?
In their sleevies…
What are hippies?
Something to hang leggies on…
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A man gets a call from his blonde girlfriend. I have this tiger jigsaw and it’s really hard. I’ve got the picture on the box and I still can’t do it. Can you come help me?
He arrived and looks at it… why don’t you make us a coffee and I’ll put the Frosties back
In the box…
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Double :duh:
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Should I try for the triple??
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Only if you bring the sweet sexy female in a scandalously sheer outfit ... :pervy: :40: :letusboogie: :cmereJ: :shakeyour: ... out to play
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...
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Not scandalously sheer enough ... good start though :pervy: :tearlaugh:
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Sheer...
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And now you found the lady that is shy and all being coy .... :thud: :tearlaugh:
Tis better so there is that
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They do that when you jump out of the wardrobe and render them…
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That explains it then
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My friend knew the date of his death…
A judge told him!
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Paddy McGinty climbed the ladder to the high board for his opening dive. He stood at the end with a large fish under his arm. Leaping up he levered his dive from the board into two perfect somersaults and entered the water with barely a splash. Climbing out, the judges had to ask what sort of dive that was.
“Double forward roll with pike your honours.”
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Man walks into a bar and orders a pint. Drinks it down in one and then does three consecutive backflips and leaves. The barman says, did you see what he just did? Yes, said a customer… he didn’t pay for his beer…
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Skinhead goes for a job and they tell him he has to fill in a questionnaire…
So he went outside and beat up the doorman…
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:yesway: Now those were pretty darn funny....Guess I better put a couple up....
Let me see now....what do I want to put up:
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I am drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?," gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
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Very sharp…
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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.
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Frankie comes home from school and asks his brother where babies come from. Brother says the vicarage brings them, Frankie scribbles in his notebook then goes to his dad and asks again… Dad says they find them in the cabbage patch. More scribbling. Finally he asks grandad. Oh ,the stork brings them. Later on dad sneaks into to read his notes. As far as I can ascertain there has been no intimacy in this family for 3 generations.
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Bwaaaahaaaahaaa....Good one...
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And a decided lack of intelligence
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Three men go to Lourdes on a pilgrimage. One lost his leg below the knee, the second lost his arm in an accident and the third was born without arms or legs so goes in a wheelchair. They arrive and the first man hops into the water and it starts frothing and boiling. The guy comes running out with his leg having grown back. The second guy runs in when he sees this and the water boils again. He comes out with a new arm waving excitedly. Hey fellas push me in next will you? They both give him a shove and when the water calms he just sits there. So they pull him out. Then they realize his chair has new tyres…
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:duh:
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And yes loads of typos from using silly iPhone keypad. Can’t correct it as the forum won’t let me..
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Yup on doing anything on a phone....Even when I use Alexa to send a message...she spells shit wrong :thud:
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Yup on doing anything on a phone....Even when I use Alexa to send a message...she spells shit wrong :thud:
You can do that that without any help from her :tearlaugh: ... just saying
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Yes I sent a text asking how “Rachel” was doing and the phone changed it to rabid…
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Might be an early hint to get out of that relationship :tearlaugh:
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While I’m still alive… methinks you be right…
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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
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AT the reading of his billionaire client’s will the solicitor announced, “and to all my greedy children who always said I can’t take it with me, my last wish is for them to witness the burning of my entire fortune…”
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:nopanic; :nopanic; :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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I made a mistake at the grocery store.
I went to get 6 Sprites.
Accidentally picked 7up.
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A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says "aww some asshole got my pen".
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I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yelling 'I'm here. I'm over here.', in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasn't lost, at all, so I called off the search.
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The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
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A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
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why have elephants got big ears? Noddy won't pay the ransom...
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:thud: :iminnocent:
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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Like it…
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Paddy and mick in the labour exchange… look paddy here’s a job… they want tree fellers! No good mick there’s only two of us…
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:nopanic; :thud: :iminnocent: :odd: :tearlaugh:
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Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!"
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whats a hindu?
lay eggs...
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random...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMGodM0zm8k&list=PLQ7zBJZQS9AIQZeMPoRiWGobNz9znGM-9&index=33
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
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A Chinese man saved up his money to have a first-class flight to visit his relatives. Cabin crew came round and one asked him “you for coffee?” to which he replied, “no, you ferk offee… I got first class ticket!!”
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:nopanic; :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the world.
"Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What's a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her. Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What's next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What's caress?", asked Adam. God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her. Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".
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Should have seen that one coming :tearlaugh:
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.' "
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Smart girl to get the fact that the inscription on the tombstone was an oxymoron
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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
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:ummm: Pollock or pollack is the common name used for either of the two species of North Atlantic marine fish in the genus Pollachius
Pretty talented fish you found in that bar good sir. :tearlaugh: :thud: :tearlaugh: :thud:
Sorry grammar cop says you lose :nanana:
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Or is he? consider humans in a drinking establishment known for talking animals, irrational metaphors and humour. having a talking fish that's tasty breaded and fried isn't too far...
Cheers
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LOL needed the laugh
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A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
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Sounds like something you might do
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Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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:thumb_up:
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Introducing the King Wenceslas pizza…
Deep pan, crisp and even
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LOL....I'll have two slices.....
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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Silly husband the expiration date is not in the license, it is in the vows listed as "UNTIL DEATH DO US PART"
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LOLOL....True That..... :yesway:
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.” To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
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A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"
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Two cops were sat in their car outside a nightclub. A man staggers out and stumbles into the road. After dropping his keys three times, he gets in his car and drives off, weaving all over the road. After following for half a mile they pull him over. Now then, sir, I'd like your name and occupation? Of course, officer, Frank Lee, professional decoy...
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:thumb_up:
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Every year the mother-in-law turns up on the doorstep for Christmas dinner. This year, we're having a change... we'll let her in ...
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:iminnocent: :tearlaugh:
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I gave the mother-in-law her christmas present... a new chair. The wife wouldn't let me plug it in...
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Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“
I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.
”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“
Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
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Naughty boy...
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Naughty is normally MUCH BETTER then nice :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:
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A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
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Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes.
His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"
To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
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A student is sitting at an astronomy lecture in college, when the professor mentions,
"In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth will cease to exist."
"Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?"
"15 billion."
"whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried."
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Q: What did Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving?
A: TWERKY
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!
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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
The day after Thanksgiving the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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Gynecologist: I'll step outside so you can undress
:ummm:
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:tearlaugh: :peep:
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A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"
"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."
"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.
"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.
"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"
"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.
The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".
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:thumb_up: :tearlaugh: :(ROFLMAO:
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Martha Stewards Way vs Mine:
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"
And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"
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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three
blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a
roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"