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Author Topic: Lil Johnny Jokes  (Read 3299 times)

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Offline thelufias

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #250 on: March 14, 2019, 07:01:25 AM »
One morning little Johnny comes walking down the stairs to find his breakfast not on the table.

He looks over at his mother and says “Hey mom, where is my breakfast?”

His mother looks at him and says “Well, you won’t get your breakfast until you finish your chores.”

Johnny walks out of the house and heads down to the barn to do his chores.

He goes in an gets the chicken feed and walks into the pens. All the chickens quickly gather around him not letting him get to the food bowl so he kicks one of them out of the way and pours it on the ground.

Next, he gets the pig feed and goes in to feed the pigs. Once again, all the pigs gather around him. So, he kicks one out of the way and pours it on the ground.

Finally, he grabs the cow’s feed and walks into the pen and the milk cow corners him. He kicks her out of the way and pours the food on the ground.

Happy that he was finally finished he races into the house to eat breakfast. Upon getting to the table he finds a plate with a piece of toast on it. He turns to his mother and says “Where is the rest of it?”

“Well, you kicked the chickens so you get no eggs, you kicked the pigs so you get no sausage, and you kicked the cow so you get no milk.”

About that time Johnny’s father comes walking down the stairs and finds the pussy cat sitting right in the middle of the stair case. So, he kicks him out of the way.

Little Johhny turns to his mother and says “You want me to tell him or are you going to?”
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Offline deeleelaw57

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #251 on: March 14, 2019, 11:28:51 AM »
Got to feel for Johnny's dad. Johnny will survive a day without a big breakfast. Not so sure pop can go a night without his ...

Offline thelufias

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #252 on: March 14, 2019, 11:32:27 AM »
Probably not.... LOL :pervy:
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Offline deeleelaw57

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #253 on: March 14, 2019, 11:40:06 AM »
If my granddad ever saw you abuse an animal he would pay you back big time. My uncle kicked at his big old mutt one morning and grandpa gave my uncle a swift kick to the bottom, square and hard. My uncle jumped and yelled " NO FAIR I Missed ". You missed on purpose asked grandpa. Everyone knew you should and never could lie to him, so my uncle answered truthfully, no not on purpose. Grandpa paused a moment and said to my uncle get in the truck. He turned to my grandmother and said hold our breakfast, I'm taking the boy to the eye doctor he is in bad need of glasses.

Offline thelufias

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #254 on: March 14, 2019, 12:03:54 PM »
Not many get an eye exam and a kick in the butt at the same time LOLOLOL
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Offline deeleelaw57

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #255 on: March 15, 2019, 03:02:12 PM »

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

Offline thelufias

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #256 on: March 15, 2019, 04:21:29 PM »
Ewwwwwwww.......:tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:  :toast:
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Offline thelufias

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #257 on: March 15, 2019, 04:23:13 PM »
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something.

The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world.", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny and says, "Now you know that's not true son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true. But one drop of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
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Offline deeleelaw57

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #258 on: March 15, 2019, 04:40:32 PM »
 :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh: :tearlaugh:   vroom vroom little kitty

Offline deeleelaw57

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Re: Lil Johnny Jokes
« Reply #259 on: March 17, 2019, 03:02:02 PM »

One weekend little Johnny and his dad go camping. On the first day they caught a good number of trout. After making a hearty evening meal out of those trout Johnny's dad declares “if you eat like a bear you need to go like one.” He grabs a roll of TP from the tent and heads off behind a tree.


After a short time Johnny hears a horrible scream. Dad comes running out of the bushes yelling Johnny a snake bit me on the butt, what do we do. Dad checks his cell phone, no service. Johnny dad says take my phone climb that tree and call the doctor find out what to do. Johnny does as he is told and reaches the doctor. The doctor told him to calm down and relax. He asked if he had a knife. He did. Take your knife a make a cut between the two fang marks, lock your lips tightly and securely around the wound and suck out the poison. Johnny hurries down the tree and races back to dad. Dad asks all excited “Johnny what did the doctor say.” Johnny is huffing and puffing all out of breath. He pauses draws in some air and shouts “DAD, YOUR GOING TO DIE.”

 

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