Jokes Jokes Jokes

[thelufias]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

The day after Thanksgiving the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[Jherrith]

Gynecologist: I'll step outside so you can undress

 

[thelufias]

   

[thelufias]

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
    the ocean.  Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
    the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
    cliff.  It moves pretty fast.  I'll bet I could jump off of the
    ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
    the bar!"

    "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."

    "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
    over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive.  Sure
    enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
    right in front of the bar.

    "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
    So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
    the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.

    "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"

    "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
    fellow.  So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
    fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.

    The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
    The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
    "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
    drinking, Superman".

[DarkAngel]

 

[thelufias]

Martha Stewards Way vs Mine:

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[thelufias]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

[thelufias]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three
blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a
roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"