Jokes Jokes Jokes

[Jherrith]

Bert is 85 years old and always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples wore on his tour.
So, seeing a pair on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
“Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied,
“Nope.”
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
“Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
“Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
“You shoulda bought a new hat!”

[thelufias]

   All were great but liked the Golfing one the best......

[thelufias]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

[thelufias]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

[Jherrith]

[thelufias]

My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.


I answered "How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision."

~

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

~

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

~

My New Year revolution is

to never use autocorrect again.

[Jherrith]

[thelufias]

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[thelufias]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

[thelufias]

Dumb Alabama Laws still in the books:

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Incestous marriages are legal.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston:
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper:
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County:
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile:
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery:
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)