Jokes Jokes Jokes

[Jherrith]

[Scouseaphrenia]

The battle of the sexes will never be won...


We fraternise too much with the enemy...

[thelufias]

A man walking into his bedroom sees wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "Where are you going?"

She replies, "I'm going to New York.  I've heard prostitutes get $400 each time for what I do for free."

The man starts packing his suitcase.

The Wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm coming also just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."

[thelufias]

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a heartwarming story.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away.

It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.

It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

[thelufias]

Two women on the way back from a night out decided to stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes with her panties and the other uses a wreath.

Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no panties!"

The other man says....."That's all........ mine had a card wedged up her arse saying:  "We'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."

[thelufias]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Jherrith]

A bear is walking in the woods and he saw a big cave.
Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just
F*ck you or kill you?
Okay f*ck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:”7 a.m.-f*ck the bear”
And he sends the bear away until tomorrow.
The bear walks home and bumps into wolf.
The wolf seeing the bear is not in the best mood he asks him what’s up.
The bear says:” Well I was walking around and found a cave…” he cheers up quickly “…and a found a cave filled with meat. But since I only eat fish I was wondering if you would like to go there?”
The wolf hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just…
Fuck you or kill you?
Okay… f*ck me.
And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:”8 a.m.-f*ck the wolf”
And he sends the wolf away until tomorrow.
The wolf walks home and bumps into a rabbit.
The rabbit seeing the wolf is not in the best mood he asks him what’s up.
The wolf says:” Well i was walking around and found a cave…” he cheers up quickly “…and a found a cave filled with carrots. But since I only eat meat I was wondering if you would like to go there?”
The rabbit hears the directions and runs as fast as he can.
He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
Why are you in my cave?
I thought there was food?
There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to f*ck you or to kill you?
No, I just…
F*ck you or kill you?
I don’t want anything!
And the giant writes in his planner:” the rabbit doesn’t want anything.”

[Jherrith]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
“Wedding cake”.

[Jherrith]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“You see officer, not everybody pays.”

[Jherrith]

An old lady walks into Tiffany’s…
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.
He politely greets the old lady with,
“good day, madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks,
“sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers,
“madam…if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”